Blue is the colour

( thank you Beautiful South)

Due to our house only having a downstairs bathroom and having 2 piddly kids - the decision was taken by me a looooong time ago to buy a portapotti in case of night time piddle emergencies.

Yesterday it was on red  - meaning empty me empty me NOW!!! but with being at college it didnt happen, so it was on thursdays to do list right at the top. So I gets up this morning absolutely busting for a wee - now then russian roulette ........ do I chance making a dash downstairs with full to bursting bladder and risk the envitable if I cough or sneeze (please do your pelvic floors after child birth it will make your  life so much easier!) or to risk that the portaporti is JUST on red and can therefore squeeze another wee in? I SHOULD have taken the dash and sneeze chance as the option I took wasnt brilliant, watching a river of blue chemicals and pee surging across the bedroom carpet is not what you want to see at 7.03am

moral of the story if you dont want to see blue - dont pee on red!!

bloody hope this day gets better!

Equally blessed and cursed

(thank you to catatonia for the title)

I am so blessed for my friends, more so today than ever - Today has been horrid, I have felt utterly utterly lost, and I did something I never do, I cried in public, I cried in Maths, I cried at dinnertime and I cried in toolkit. I'm just so tired and confused over what to do, and 2 seriously hard days and a hefty dose of unconfidence really hasnt helped.

I shouldnt really be blogging I should be getting my arse in gear and doing my maths project but I am really fighting the urge to o to the shop for some wine.

Highlight of the day was the look on the teen chavettes at college when saying bye to Debbie after a heart to heart and having a hug and a *mwah* they looked like they were going to pass out LOL

sunshine and farts

well not really, but blue skies and fresh air - tis all good :0)

implode!! and lightbulb

weeeeellllllll last night didnt quite go as planned. Plan was to invite mum and dad over for a chinese takeaway and then go see Lee Mack. What actually happened was came home with the chinky, the kids insisted on carrying a bag each, which Harry promptly dropped on the floor, didnt think much damage had been done at first until I came to dish up and lids have come off, mum was saying that it doesnt matter and I said it did and Stew told me to Shut up about it, so I shouted at him, in front of my parents and the kids, to fuck off (not my finest moment)and stomped off, all I could think about was the cost of the food and how a nice gesture had been ruined.

So after slamming everything I could find (doors and baby gates) I sat down and cried and then I had my lightbulb moment - MONEY - the way I have been feeling and all my worries come down to money and the lack of.

I have always worked, even after I had Harry I worked admittidely ONLY 11 hours a week but it was work, I had my own money and I was contributing to the family pot - now i'm not, I have my child benefit and my adult learning grant and I am constantly overdrawn, and I am no longer finanically independent and I dont like it - it makes me feel worthless and useless. Stew is bloody fab, if I asked him for money he would give it to me, BUT I dont like asking - he is the sole wage earner and works hard for it, he pays all the bills. I dont see why he should support me as well.

I hate the house we are in - I have never liked it, the house we wanted fell through when we were going to sign for it and in a panic we bought this one, I want to move, even more so now with having Phoebe, we need more room - there is clutter and junk everywhere I look - how can I have a calm mind in an cluttered environment???

I think that is what was behind the drive to go to uni! not to get a career but to get a good job so I can earn good money and then we can move.

Every where I look any solution has a monetary complication - If I defer for a year and work then any of my earnings will be taken in to consideration and then I will get less bursary once I go to uni. If I go out to work, we will get less tax credits and as mercenary as it sounds we rely on them to pay the mortgage - which is why uni is looking a good option, but all my bursary will go on childcare, so then i'm left with trying to pay for books, transport etc. Money truly is the root of all evil.

I want to feel valuable and worthy again - at the moment I feel like a trapped sponger and I dont like it one little bit! I want to be able to buy my kids nice things, take them places without having to go into my overdraft and then be skint again - I wanted to buy Stew the type watch he wanted for his birthday, but I couldnt - I bought the best one I could afford - which he likes - I know I dont have to show him how much I love him with trinkets and stuff but I would like to be able to spoil him once in a while. He did say if i'm going to uni he will buy me a laptop for my birthday, how can a £40.00 watch compare to a £400.00 laptop???

I know this is all about me, and I know I probably sound like a right bitch - I dont think I can face another 3 years of struggling while i'm at uni.

The upside is now I know whats bothering me, i can hopefully start to work on sorting it out.

The evening didnt end all bad, Lee Mack was hilarious and a comedy LEGEND!!!!!!

My name is Sara and i'm mentally ill

There you go, i've just broken the biggest taboo, it is okay to have a visible physical illness but not a mental one. Depression is a horrid illness - one I fear I may never be free of - not even sure how to manage it, I dont know if I need to up my happy pills or if its my diabetes, all I know is i'm not enjoying life at the moment, everything is a hurdle, sometimes the hurdle can look as big as a mountain.

We are going to see Lee Mack tomorrow, Stew bought me the tickets back in July for my birthday, and I wont believe we are going until I step out of the door, I just know my luck someone will start puking tonight and we wont be able to go.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I want the noise in my head to stop, I want to feel at ease and at peace with myself, I want the joy back in my life, I want to enjoy every moment. I dont want to be feeling sad, guilty, stress and angry anymore.

I want to be Tigger and not Eeyore

Oh Bugger

Thinking is not good for me AT ALL!!!!!

Originally, and peeps can back me up on this, my absolute dream job was a midwife BUT some where along the line I thought that I would A) never be able to get on the course and B) the hours wouldnt be so child friendly - I thought ante natal ultrasound would be the next best thing.

After spending time in the radiology department - I decided that I would love to do MRI instead as it absolutely blew me away. I have been rather flumoxxed over whether uni is for me, to defer a year or wait a while longer till Pheebster start schools. Now I am wondering if I am going to go to uni I need to go and do something that I would absolutely truly love.

Can someone please tell my brain to stop thinking! its driving me crazy :0(

Time slips away

GRRRRRRRRR its been a week since my last blog - I think I need more hours in the day and more days in the week.

Not much to report really - I am still tying myself up in knots over what the future holds and my lack of control over it, I've had a good chat with Stew and i've recieved loads of good sound advice from peeps, but I still dont know what to do. I need to stop, breathe and go back to basics, everything is whizzing round my head at a hundred miles a mile and nothing is making sense. I need to chill and take time for myself, but where and how???? I know the answer doesnt lie in a chocolate bar or a glass of wine so why am I taking solace in them??? I just end up putting more weight on and get more self loathing - tis a vicious circle and one I would quite like to break!