For the love of all things holy, let me sleep

Why do I do this? why do I over think things? why can I just accept I can't control things and just go with the flow? Why do I worry about upsetting or putting people out???? Fuck me I make life hard on myself.

for the past week or so I have seen midnight come round, everything has been milling through my brain :-

Money, why do we have to struggle, we are remortgaging but its all on a tightrope, we just want to be comfortable, not to have to worry if we can go shopping at the end of each week, not to have to keep explaining to the kids that they havent been on holiday or they havent been out cos we cant afford it.

College is a great source of angst at the moment, there are so many external things I cant control at the moment and its driving me crazy, What happens if Pheebz doesnt settle at nursery? should I maybe defer for a year and get her used to going to other peoples house etc without me, she just seems so little to be going to nursery, I'm so worried that I will have to give college up in a few months if she doesnt settle. Harry is another source of angst - in the last TAC meeting the teacher said she would give him till the 22/10/09 to settle in, and if he doesnt she will keep him on afternoons, if this happens I WILL have to end college - would it be overly unreasonable to ask her to keep him on mornings + lunch and then my mum could pick him up, he will settle I KNOW he will it all depends whats the easy option for HER.

Its all so fucking unfair, I should be looking forward to this but i'm so worried, i'm going greyer by the day - Deferring for a year is looking like a good option at the moment, give Harry and Pheebz time to settle down, I havent a clue what to do - being a grown up stucks big time

its catch up time

hhhhooookkkkkaaaayyyyyyy then urm *looks down sheepishly* the first weight loss goal didnt quite go to plan, here i am 15st 2lb, and we are starting again! i'm putting more umph into this time as i have 3 big do's next year and I dont want to have to shop at Evans and pay their ridiculous prices!

College is still on track, I have my enrollment days on the 7th and 8th of September, very excited and just a wee bit scared too.

Harry well he has had an assessment with the HV from Longlands and now we wait for an appoinment for him, we are on the cancellation list, on an up note she did say it was doubtful to be ADHD as he can be calm and he sleeps and its unlikely to be aspergers as he has a sense of humour and has problems with his speech, apparently peeps with aspergers have neither, so its either autism / a general ASD /or a sensory processing problem, so we will see

A Good Weekend

Well at 23.20 yesterday evening we welcomed to the world Anita and Pauls little baby boy, he is unnamed as of yet but we are very happy for the Hart Family

and



Craigy and Hev have set the date!!!!! and they are getting married here http://www.legacy-hotels.co.uk/legacy-thefalcon/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=45533

so the diet starts now!!! andf my first goal is a mums night out on the 8th August, so lets see how much I can shift in 6 weeks :0)

Where's the Pub, I'm a student dontcha know!

Yep thats right i'm a Student (again) yesterday I went to college and picked my options for my Access course. In September I will be studying level 3 Biology and Human physiology, level 2 Maths and a toolkit for uni, eeep so thats it the road to Diagnostic Radiography starts here, i want to run out and buy all my pens, pencils, rubbers, paper, folders, folder dividers, a shed load of tippex and a sparkly bag to put it all in and i want to buy it NOW!!!!!! i'm too giddy to wait, sod buying uniform and stuff for the kids, i want my college stuff :0)

It looks like I qualify for help with childcare, and i may qualify for an adult learners grant too, i'm going to college next week for the why's and wherefore's GIDDY!!!!!!!

We had a meeting today about Harry, the senco for the childrens centre has been brilliant and we are really pushing for a referal to the educational pysch as soon as poss, feel much happier about stuff and things seem to be going in the right direction, just need to get Pheebz sorted now and she is at the dietitians tomorrow, cross fingers everyone!

Nana Molly

This is nana molly easter monday 2009
This is Nana Molly, the pic was taken xmas eve 2008.

Yesterday we laid her to rest, she fought bloody valiantly against brain cancer but she sadly lost the battle last Saturday 16th May 2009.

Let me tell you about Nana Molly, i can really sum her up in one word - Love, She was the kindest, most loving, generous soul I have ever met.

She welcomed me to her family with open arms, and i am all the more blessed for knowing her, i truely am. You know when she collasped the very first time and was taken to hospital, we found out at the same time that Pheebz had heart problems and we had to whip her off down to Alder Hey, Stew and the kids were ill so couldnt come with me, and all Nan was bothered about was me and Phoebe, she had just found out she had terminal cancer and she was more worried about me - she was totally selfless, i know she shed tears in private about her illness but if anyone asked her about it her reply was *it is a bother* and that was it.

Yesterday at her funeral Brookhouse methodist chapel was packed to the rafters with people who had the good fortune to have known and loved her, she was interred at Quernmore methodist Church yard, she is now back with Teddie, and that makes me glad, but to know i wont see her again for a long long time makes my heart hurt.

I want to put here what i never got to tell her.

Nan, Thank you, Thank you for welcoming me into your family and making me feel like one of your own, I know Stew and I didnt always do things in the right way ( Abbie first and then getting married) but you took it all in your stride, and i'm so so glad you had a little strop that made us change our wedding plans, You were so right the day was so much better because of you. I just wish i had known you for longer, but the last ten years have been an absolute pleasure, and i'm so glad you got to meet and love my Children, who absolutely adored you as much as I did, I love you Nan, and i'm glad you are at peace and painfree, but I miss you so much, I will look after Stew and the kids as well as I can.

Heaven has a new Angel and Mary Huddleston that is you, god bless you nan
With all my love
Sara XXXX

The end is beginning

Nan is in the hospice, she is getting steadily more confused and upset, she is convinced that she has missed P's christening and its upsetting her greatly.

Its so fucking unfair, she is a kind gentle soul and she doesnt deserve this, she should just drift off peacefully and with dignity, she shouldnt be living her final days in confusion and being scared of where she is, she is a very devout methodist lady very steadfast in her faith, I wish I had her convictions and strength of character, lets just say my life has been blessed for the better in knowing Nana Molly.

Shifting the fat ass

so we start!! :0) power walking is my new bezzie mate, Did a large circuit of beaumont/skerton last night and then 30 mins on the wii fit, not going out for a PW tonight, as I have been into town and back today and I am tackling mount st ironing later once the kidlets are in bed, so i think 4-5 power walks and at least 1 gym session a week is do-able or at least i'm going to make it do-able!

ooo ooo oooo managed a little run last night too only 3 lamposts but hey its a start!!! :0)