Blimey, I've not blogged for ages

Just random wibbling is bumbling around my head a hundred at miles a minute - not making any sense what so ever and not giving me any peace, I am so tired too, actually bone weary takes soooooooo much effort to lift my arms, dont like feel like doing anything I just want to sleep

The other poem

'if' by rudyard kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

A reflective day

Today Stew and I attended the funeral of an old work collegue of his, she was tragically killed with her husband in a road accident in the scottish borders. I also know their Daughter Jo, she was amazingly strong today, and for that I admire her, the service was a celebration of Steven and Joan's life and 2 beautiful poems were read out in tribute for them, and I wanted to put them on here mainly so I could look back and read them again as I found them really moving.

The one thing that really struck me today and I feel selfish as this should not be about me is that EVERYONE and I mean everyone who spoke about Joan and Steven today mentioned their appetite for and love of life, the fact that they always found the joy in everything in life even the small things, and I felt ashamed, I have this potential and i'm not living up to it, so my resolve as of today is to live my life more positively and try my very hardest to leave the negatives behind, I need to live a life where I am comfortable and happy.

A Red, Red Rose
Oh my luve is like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June:
Oh my luve is like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.
Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.
And fare thee weel, my only luve!
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile!
Robert Burns

All shook up

(Thank you Mr E Presley)

What a bloody week!!!!

Its been a few days since I blogged, I started typing one the other day and had to delete it, as it was basically what I thought when I first clapped eyes on the kids after they had exited stage left *coughs*Ahem*coughs* and it made me realise how horribly depressed I was during my pregnancy with Harry. I'm feeling a bit more balanced today and a bit braver  - The blog should have read something along the lines of

Abigail Elizabeth @ 10.02 Thursday 5/12/02 - Oh my god! she has a giant purple head I really hope that goes!!
Harry Stewart @18.00 Wednesday 2/2/05 - Get it away from me.
Phoebe Kate @04.40 Tuesday 16/9/08 - Thank f*ck I dont have to do that again!!!!

So i'm not exactly what you call maternal, maybe I am just a bit harsh with it, well maybe i'm not I dunno.

Tuesday was interesting, I was all pumped up with walking to nursery and colleg, but by lunch time the brain deadedness has struck big time , so I managed not to fall asleep in Bio and managed to get Phoebe from Nursery and get us both home, so i wasn't doing too badly!

Wednesday was great until about 2.30 -  Maths I just about coped with and I had a toolkit tutorial with Shelia and I have completed my toolkit folder and have gained 3 credits :0) I decided to head to the learning resource centre as the library is usually full of noisy kids, but nay all the noisy little f*ckers where in the the LRC instead, bumping into you, bashing your chair, and some of the cheeky blighters where trying to guess if i was a man or a woman - talk about hitting a raw nerve, with my stunningly bad self image  in which I think I dont look particulary feminine - this was probably the worse thing I could have heard EVER!!!! my girlieness took another bashing when I broke a chuffing nail putting Pheebz in her wheel at nursery, so now I have 9 lovely polished nails and one raggy crap one! and to add insult to injury, I have hurt my neck and should with my giantic college bag!

I will admit thoughWednesday did pick up a bit - when at 17.00 i got an email from UCAS saying there had been a change in my status and when i checked I have only got an offer to study Radiography!!!!! Gobsmacked wasnt in it, I think I finally stopped shaking just before I went to bed. Even now I still can't quite believe it!

feeling very tired and waffy to be honest and I dont know why - The smell of deep heat is making me feel sick, and its not giving me much relief, but the pain is now going up into my head and down my arm  - I think an early night may be in order!

Fake Saz

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy - I'm not a liar, I do worry about upsetting and offending people, so I keep little bits of me locked away, I'm like MI5 only more mumsy and neurotic. Somedays this doesnt bother me, Others it feels like i'm trapped and I want to be the real me and not give a stuff and let the locked stuff out, and then this little voice says that *dont do that, they wont like you anymore* I would hope that the people I worry about offending would know me well enough to over look it, but I just cant take the chance. If they fell out with me, cest le vie, but its the thought of upsetting them that bothers me.

Will I ever change, I hope so - I think it willl be the only way for me to be comfortable in my own skin and truly be me, and stop having to be secret squirrel in some areas of my life!

The secret diary of Sara Atkin aged 35 and 3/4

(The title for this blog was inspired by Lisa Corney-Hargreaves)


Hoe kay - The daily blogging hasnt quite gone to plan, either lack of time or general blahness seems to have gotten in the way.

Its been a rollercoaster week at Chez Atkin - the car decided it fed up with life as a car and prompt broke, latest report for the garage is it's the head gasket thats gone and repair is estimately at £600.00

Pheebz and me both had a trip to the quacks on Monday, I warned Dr P that Phoebe doesnt like having her chest listened to and she may scream and she goes off like a car alarm, The little mare sat there as good as gold and let him listen, she is currently on Anti b's for a suspected chest infection. My diagnosis is Neurotic (reactive)Depression, There you go folks its official i'm neurotic, but I probably could have told you that any way!! Aparentely its just a class of depression and nothing to worry about, i've upped my happy pills to 2 a day and strangely enought I think they are working already!

Wednesday was a big day for me, I had my interview at UoC for the Radiography course, I think it went well, the interviewer said that I had interviewed will so now we wait and see, I had my nails done in the morning so I felt quite glam, and I had my most comfortable heels on ( not that bloody comfortable tho' as I had blisters on the soles of my feet) The bus station was a bloody long way  away  from St Martins and Busy Bees was a bloody long way away from the bus stop, I did have Lady Gaga on my Ipod, but the heels made me have a weird swishy Laydee walk, Catwalk Saz thats me!!

Harry warry woo has been at the fore front of this week as well - SALT appointment on Monday, he is being reffered for a hearing test and possibly a auditory processing test as well. Thursday we were back to longlands for a review and the upshot is they are going down the Aspergers route with Harry rather than a delay, I also spoke to the SALT again and he has strongly advised that H have support in school as he struggles with comprenhension and that could have a BIG knock on effect on his learning and his his ability to have a conversation - its like pulling teeth some times. I mentioned all this to his teacher at parents evening and she said that its just what she suspected and that she feels that harry will need support in school but maybe when he gets to yr2  - makes  bloody change its usually we feel he doesnt need support, but then again she was in a room with just me and stew and maybe we looked like a pair of hired goons LOL

there is more to say but I need to rescue my rents from the woo so will finish this later

lots to say

but now is not the time, my bed is beckoning and i'm feeling a tad iffy so i'm going to sleep it off! night peeps X