self medicating with wine and toffifee :0(
Not a happy blog today peeps - more disharmony from Harry this morning, and surprise suprise its been the same argument again, yes you can get in bed with us, NO you cant bring your toy box with you!, this more he kicked off as Stew was facing him and having the audacity to breathe in H's general direction!
So due to general grumpyness, the sort even a bacon buttie can fix! I decided to take H out of the equation ( I didnt put a contract out on him or anything!) killing 2 birds with one stone ( I have no psychopathic tendencies honest gov!) I thought I would get some work done with out the distraction of being in the house and my growing facebook/twitter obsession. So leaving Grumpy Stew to go fora walk, a paper and a bit of fresh air with snotty Pheebz, I decided to brave The Zone again - so rucksack packed and 2 sprogs in tow, we set off.
Travelling towards Kellet, we passed the Televison transmitter - cue my darling Abigail asking me if telly's were invented when I was little ( just how old does the little bag think i am!!) I explained that yes there was but Grandad Peter didnt have a telly when he was little, he used to listen to the radio and go to the cinema. the 1950's getting mixed up with the 1970's yep, i can cope with that ( as much as I love Ab's she REALLY doesnt know when to shhhhhh). Mummmmmmieeeeeeeeee, Yes Abbie, Where hospitals clean or dirty when you where little? cos Florence nightingale made sure they were all cleaned and she died when she was 90 in 1870 - GEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZ Abbie make your mum feel young and spritely why dontcha!!!!
On arrival at the zone it appearred to be fairly yummy free, it was however crammed with biddys, again no seat, so I plonked myself on a bench, ordered a current teacake and a pot of tea and set about researching and writing the essay which is rapidly becoming the millstone round my neck! There must be a paradox somewhere that states that at a soft play emporium biddys and yummy's can not co-exist in the same time and space as once the biddys left the yummys flooded in. I managed to bag a table inbetween the mass migrations so it was all good.
I thought with it being the last day of the hellidays - I would treat the kids to a McD's and all was well there too.
Once we got home, and the McD's was duly scoffed, the horns sprouted and screaming, fighting and trashing started, so we exited the house and all was calm till we got to my mums and it all started again, I have never had to shout and threaten as much in my life :0(
Stew and I are shattered, I know they say that special kids get special parents, but why cant the special parents get a manual?? not a step by step instruction manual but a few hints here and there wouldnt go amiss
Friday, 19 February 2010
Thursday, 18 February 2010
Lent, Chocolate, Blogs and Bingo
Okay so I caved, plan was to give up the brown stuff for the 40 days of lent, ummmmmm after the day I had yesterday, not only did I self medicate with blossom hill, I *may* have partaken in the imbibing of kit kats and timeouts oooops! so I thought rather than give up, I would take up - so here is my blog for lent.
This morning appeared to follow on from yesterday, I woke in the early hours with my mp3 player in my back and the ear phones around my neck!! - so much for Paul McKenna trying to relax me, I think the sod is trying to kill me off!! Tots was up brighten and early and she woke up the woo, got her settle in our bed, she nods back off and 30 mins later after a coughing fit my darling little cherubic sprog threw up in my bed - I changed all the beds yesterday and its usually par for the course in chez Atkin that Clean beds = gross bodily fluids - ICK!!!!!!
Went to bingolie with mum this afters, its great for people watching - there was a gaggle of Carers and their elderly charges in there this afternoon and they were hilarious, deaf as posts and stunningly loud..... EH??? WHAT DID HE SAY??????? shhhhhhhhhh!!! WHAT????? shhhhhhhhhh!!!
we got to the big money full houses and the 2 lines had just gone, 3 numbers in little old lady... FULL HOUSE????? and we have a claim!!! NOOOOOOOOOO shouts the carers - okay false call next number LOL
Old biddies are good bingo fun, you should try it :0)
This morning appeared to follow on from yesterday, I woke in the early hours with my mp3 player in my back and the ear phones around my neck!! - so much for Paul McKenna trying to relax me, I think the sod is trying to kill me off!! Tots was up brighten and early and she woke up the woo, got her settle in our bed, she nods back off and 30 mins later after a coughing fit my darling little cherubic sprog threw up in my bed - I changed all the beds yesterday and its usually par for the course in chez Atkin that Clean beds = gross bodily fluids - ICK!!!!!!
Went to bingolie with mum this afters, its great for people watching - there was a gaggle of Carers and their elderly charges in there this afternoon and they were hilarious, deaf as posts and stunningly loud..... EH??? WHAT DID HE SAY??????? shhhhhhhhhh!!! WHAT????? shhhhhhhhhh!!!
we got to the big money full houses and the 2 lines had just gone, 3 numbers in little old lady... FULL HOUSE????? and we have a claim!!! NOOOOOOOOOO shouts the carers - okay false call next number LOL
Old biddies are good bingo fun, you should try it :0)
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
Watch out yummies, slummy mummy coming through
GGGRRRRRRRR Biatches in Boden* (*disclaimer not all peeps who wear boden are biatches)
What a throughly fucking miserable day! plan was to have a lovely family day together - time table was, get up, leisurely breakfast, head out of the house at 10.30 go to the zone at greenlands and then into lancaster and go to the China all you can eat buffet for lunch ( they do all sorts inc chips so we can eat together as a family)
I should have known as soon as i opened my eyes this morning it would be stressful
06.40 - Pheebz is up shouting, so put her in bed with us
07.10 - Harry wakes up, and brings half his bedroom into ours with the plan of getting on bed with it and us, gently explain that there is too much stuff so he cant have his magnetic alphabet letters in as they will get everywhere and pheebz might swallow them - Harry does not recieve mummies polite request very well!
07.13 the mother of all kick offs, screaming, shouting, tears, snot goes running out of our bedroom, back into his and proceeds to bang stuff about and shout and scream at Abbie to wake up so he can tell her about the great diservice his mean mother has befallen him.
07.14 Mean mother has to raise the volume level and politely asks him not to wake Abigail up, more scream how he doesnt like me, he only likes daddy and he only wants daddy to go down stairs with him.
07.15 I retire back to bed, can hear the sound of Harry being grumpy down stairs.
07.50 Abbie is up and about so Stew and Pheebz get up, I opt to listen to my Paul Mckenna instant calm self hypnosis CD
08.20 I get out of bed and morning rountine begins.
11.00 finally get out of the house and on the way to the zone.
The zone was packed - thought it might be with it being half term, found a table but with no seat, the gaggle of yummies on the next table had plenty of seats ( but with their coats and stuff on and NO visable children) asked if anyone was sitting there and got the glare, the tut and the withering "actually yes!" - tell you what if some one needs a sit that my child might want to sit of for about 10 secs, the grown up gets the seat and your kid sits on your knee, or would that crumple the boden????
Managed to pinch one seat, so Stew and sleepy Pheebz could sit down - she then sprang into life and off she went with Stew in hot pursuit so I parks me arse and starts making notes about the Ferking essay I am currently torturing myself with. Boden Bi-atches are glaring - I am valiantly ignoring them.
Stew and tiny comes back and I am duely dispatched to the counter for refreshements ( after mucho nagging from thing one and thing two). En route I bumped into a lovely lady called Gillian who attends the surestart AOK group- for kids with additional needs, so we are putting the worlds to rights, and comparing notes on our kids and how we deal with it (me lots of wine). Next thing a large older lady from a different gaggle of yummies comes marching up and snottily asks if I am the owner of the boy in the green top, and am I aware that he has crashed the party that is taking place!! so I go and remove the offending boy in the green top and make my apologies - the yummies are making noise that H has eaten a lot of the food WHAT THE FUCK, he eats nowt!!!!! when I ejected him he had a slice if apple in his hand - he might have pinched some crisps, but unless the party fayre was microwave chips, beef hula hoops, chicken fingers or lemon curd sandwiches I doubt he ate much at all!!! all the while this is going on, large older lady is wittering at Gillian, who great lady that she is, just turned round and said - Actually Harry has Special Needs - he is not being horrid, to which LOL scuttled off.
Slummy mummy is feeling a wee bit outnumbered by all the yummies and biting her tongue very hard, slummy daddy who has a hide like a rhino, cant understand why slummy mummy is getting so het up, Slummy mummy is very relieved when the 2 gaggles of yummies feck off and its time for us to go - but I made a new friend and have duely added Gillian on facebook and I managed to jot some ideas down for my essay and the kids saw a few goats.
13.00 The Atkins hit town - and head for the all you can eat emporium called China. unfortunately the soft play hasnt tired Har out if anything its hyped him up. Cue a paddy as we had to wait a couple of minutes to be seated. Cue once seated tear-arsing up and down and generally being Harry. I played a blinder getting Pheebz out of the pushchair and taking her coat off, thumb nail met flesh and boy oh boy did she howl, whipped her around to see that I had grazed her just under her eye, bloody lucky it wasnt any higher :0( a few more meltdowns from Har, mainly over ice cream and we finally finish lunch and head off for a spot of shopping. Harry wants a chocolate cookie, Slummy mummy and slummy daddy explain that he will be rewarded with said cookie IF he behaves in the shops ( bet yummies dont have to bribe their kids), the bribe works and we had a fairly uneventful shopping trip all in all.
Popped to the so near so on the way home to stock up on slummy essentials ( bread, milk, and wine), and set about changing all the bedding while the rest are playing on the Wii - cue not a happy harry as slummy put Bob the Builder duvet on and not Thomas ( bad slummy!!!! BAD slummy!!!!! - Slummy cant win, if Thomas had been on there he would have wanted BTB!) and i'm not sure what Har was doing but Slummy Daddy wasn't half laying down the law very loudly!! ( I had my ipod on and I could hear him!!!)
So now its 19.45, Pheebz is snoring on the couch, Harry is in bed watching the magic key and Abbie has just headed up too, SO now i've finally managed to finish this blog ( I started it an hour ago!) I am going back to my lipid metabolism essay and i'm going to have some wine and crumpets as I have STOOPIDLY given up chocolate for lent.
And I leave you with this pondering as its been bugging me all day - why do people see parenting as a competition??? we are all bumbling along trying to raise our kids with out dropping them, misplacing them, or damaging them too much, surely mummies should stick together?? and not take sides, but if I have to....................................... I am an out and proud Slummy mummy!! I feed my kids Maccie-D's, I drink while they are awake, I pinch their chocolate under the pretence of saving them from obesity and diabetes, and occasionally swear in front of them, I dont always coddle for minor bumps and sprains, I might not be brilliant at mumming, but I know my kids love me ( although I think they are trying to get me committed). I try really really hard not to judge others as there for the grace of God go I, but please dont ask me to stop muttering under my breath about the yummy boden brigade - I need to have some small pleasures in life !!!
What a throughly fucking miserable day! plan was to have a lovely family day together - time table was, get up, leisurely breakfast, head out of the house at 10.30 go to the zone at greenlands and then into lancaster and go to the China all you can eat buffet for lunch ( they do all sorts inc chips so we can eat together as a family)
I should have known as soon as i opened my eyes this morning it would be stressful
06.40 - Pheebz is up shouting, so put her in bed with us
07.10 - Harry wakes up, and brings half his bedroom into ours with the plan of getting on bed with it and us, gently explain that there is too much stuff so he cant have his magnetic alphabet letters in as they will get everywhere and pheebz might swallow them - Harry does not recieve mummies polite request very well!
07.13 the mother of all kick offs, screaming, shouting, tears, snot goes running out of our bedroom, back into his and proceeds to bang stuff about and shout and scream at Abbie to wake up so he can tell her about the great diservice his mean mother has befallen him.
07.14 Mean mother has to raise the volume level and politely asks him not to wake Abigail up, more scream how he doesnt like me, he only likes daddy and he only wants daddy to go down stairs with him.
07.15 I retire back to bed, can hear the sound of Harry being grumpy down stairs.
07.50 Abbie is up and about so Stew and Pheebz get up, I opt to listen to my Paul Mckenna instant calm self hypnosis CD
08.20 I get out of bed and morning rountine begins.
11.00 finally get out of the house and on the way to the zone.
The zone was packed - thought it might be with it being half term, found a table but with no seat, the gaggle of yummies on the next table had plenty of seats ( but with their coats and stuff on and NO visable children) asked if anyone was sitting there and got the glare, the tut and the withering "actually yes!" - tell you what if some one needs a sit that my child might want to sit of for about 10 secs, the grown up gets the seat and your kid sits on your knee, or would that crumple the boden????
Managed to pinch one seat, so Stew and sleepy Pheebz could sit down - she then sprang into life and off she went with Stew in hot pursuit so I parks me arse and starts making notes about the Ferking essay I am currently torturing myself with. Boden Bi-atches are glaring - I am valiantly ignoring them.
Stew and tiny comes back and I am duely dispatched to the counter for refreshements ( after mucho nagging from thing one and thing two). En route I bumped into a lovely lady called Gillian who attends the surestart AOK group- for kids with additional needs, so we are putting the worlds to rights, and comparing notes on our kids and how we deal with it (me lots of wine). Next thing a large older lady from a different gaggle of yummies comes marching up and snottily asks if I am the owner of the boy in the green top, and am I aware that he has crashed the party that is taking place!! so I go and remove the offending boy in the green top and make my apologies - the yummies are making noise that H has eaten a lot of the food WHAT THE FUCK, he eats nowt!!!!! when I ejected him he had a slice if apple in his hand - he might have pinched some crisps, but unless the party fayre was microwave chips, beef hula hoops, chicken fingers or lemon curd sandwiches I doubt he ate much at all!!! all the while this is going on, large older lady is wittering at Gillian, who great lady that she is, just turned round and said - Actually Harry has Special Needs - he is not being horrid, to which LOL scuttled off.
Slummy mummy is feeling a wee bit outnumbered by all the yummies and biting her tongue very hard, slummy daddy who has a hide like a rhino, cant understand why slummy mummy is getting so het up, Slummy mummy is very relieved when the 2 gaggles of yummies feck off and its time for us to go - but I made a new friend and have duely added Gillian on facebook and I managed to jot some ideas down for my essay and the kids saw a few goats.
13.00 The Atkins hit town - and head for the all you can eat emporium called China. unfortunately the soft play hasnt tired Har out if anything its hyped him up. Cue a paddy as we had to wait a couple of minutes to be seated. Cue once seated tear-arsing up and down and generally being Harry. I played a blinder getting Pheebz out of the pushchair and taking her coat off, thumb nail met flesh and boy oh boy did she howl, whipped her around to see that I had grazed her just under her eye, bloody lucky it wasnt any higher :0( a few more meltdowns from Har, mainly over ice cream and we finally finish lunch and head off for a spot of shopping. Harry wants a chocolate cookie, Slummy mummy and slummy daddy explain that he will be rewarded with said cookie IF he behaves in the shops ( bet yummies dont have to bribe their kids), the bribe works and we had a fairly uneventful shopping trip all in all.
Popped to the so near so on the way home to stock up on slummy essentials ( bread, milk, and wine), and set about changing all the bedding while the rest are playing on the Wii - cue not a happy harry as slummy put Bob the Builder duvet on and not Thomas ( bad slummy!!!! BAD slummy!!!!! - Slummy cant win, if Thomas had been on there he would have wanted BTB!) and i'm not sure what Har was doing but Slummy Daddy wasn't half laying down the law very loudly!! ( I had my ipod on and I could hear him!!!)
So now its 19.45, Pheebz is snoring on the couch, Harry is in bed watching the magic key and Abbie has just headed up too, SO now i've finally managed to finish this blog ( I started it an hour ago!) I am going back to my lipid metabolism essay and i'm going to have some wine and crumpets as I have STOOPIDLY given up chocolate for lent.
And I leave you with this pondering as its been bugging me all day - why do people see parenting as a competition??? we are all bumbling along trying to raise our kids with out dropping them, misplacing them, or damaging them too much, surely mummies should stick together?? and not take sides, but if I have to....................................... I am an out and proud Slummy mummy!! I feed my kids Maccie-D's, I drink while they are awake, I pinch their chocolate under the pretence of saving them from obesity and diabetes, and occasionally swear in front of them, I dont always coddle for minor bumps and sprains, I might not be brilliant at mumming, but I know my kids love me ( although I think they are trying to get me committed). I try really really hard not to judge others as there for the grace of God go I, but please dont ask me to stop muttering under my breath about the yummy boden brigade - I need to have some small pleasures in life !!!
Friday, 15 January 2010
Heading to the knackers yard
I thinks its time I goes!!! after a sugar spikes and a rise in my HBC1 ( or hsbc as I called it) I am to start Metformin, it was ultimately my decision but you cant mess about with Diabetes. I have children and a hubbie to look after, and I cant do that with missing toes/fingers/limbs and ultimately life - and I have myself and college/uni to consider too!
My cholesterol isn't brilliant either so i've to start statins for that. My blood pressure was on the high side 162/95 and the last time it was checked it was 149/90 - so if it doesnt come down, i'm heading for blood pressure tablets too.
I am however having a last hurrah - you cant really drink on metformin, so i'm out tomorrow night with my girlies from college - and i will start taking my tablets on sunday.
My cholesterol isn't brilliant either so i've to start statins for that. My blood pressure was on the high side 162/95 and the last time it was checked it was 149/90 - so if it doesnt come down, i'm heading for blood pressure tablets too.
I am however having a last hurrah - you cant really drink on metformin, so i'm out tomorrow night with my girlies from college - and i will start taking my tablets on sunday.
Saturday, 9 January 2010
Enough is enough
I bought myself a book called the power of no, i've only read the first few chapters - and already its speaking volumes to me. Another thing that has got me thinking is a status viral doing the rounds on facebook, a baby loss one. SO i reposted it as my status and put that it was 8 yrs on the 7th of Jan since I lost our first baby.
Last night in bed it hit me that I have been sad for 8 years, 8 YEARS!!!! if i live to be 80 I will have been sad for 10% of my life and that is a blimming long time. I cant go on like this, if I do it will be another 8 years and 20% of my life gone - so I am going to try my hardest to be less sad and I am going to be kinder to myself and less critical of myself and I am going to learn to say no, and not feel gulity about it. I am worthy of being on this planet, I am worthy of peoples love, so lets see how I get on.
Last night in bed it hit me that I have been sad for 8 years, 8 YEARS!!!! if i live to be 80 I will have been sad for 10% of my life and that is a blimming long time. I cant go on like this, if I do it will be another 8 years and 20% of my life gone - so I am going to try my hardest to be less sad and I am going to be kinder to myself and less critical of myself and I am going to learn to say no, and not feel gulity about it. I am worthy of being on this planet, I am worthy of peoples love, so lets see how I get on.
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Last Post of 2009
and its a whingy one ( quelle surprise!!)
I've run out of steam, i've hit rock bottom, and I dont know what to do to put it all right and make Saz happy again - my blood sugars are high, they havent been under 8 before or after food for nearly a week now :0(
I'm so fucking stupid, i forgot what we were playing at bingo today and actually forgot to shout when a line came up and I missed out on £10.00 - It took me all my strength not to cry.
I feel so down and worthless - I really cant see the point anymore ( and before anyone starts panicking i'm not about to do anything silly!) I feel like the shitest mother ever - I am struggling with Harry and his behaviour, I spend all my days shouting at him, I get so wound up I cant calm down, I dont have time to do my college work, I have 600-700 words left on a fucking essay about enzymes - i'm actually sat here dithering whether I should spend NYE ironing or essay writing - I dont even know why I am contemplating Uni, I am seriously considering pulling my application. I have the application for the operating department practice and I really dont think I will send it off, I really dont think I could handle the rejection
I cant tell Stew how i'm feeling I dont want to burden him, I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry, I feel so under pressure and I dont know how to relieve it, I'm sick of pretending - I need to grow a pair man up and learn to say NO!!!!
So I will write here what I cant say out loud:
1) I dont want to go to church anymore - I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD! I believe that Jesus existed and he set an example of how to love and not to judge and for that he should be revered. I believe in Mediums and spiritulists and I think the Unitarians have got it pretty spot on.
2) I'm struggling with Harry, god I love him, but someone please help me, one of these days I'm either going to tell him to fuck off or I will swing for him.
3) I dont want to volunteer, I havent got the fucking time, but to prove to someone at uni that i'm an all round good egg, and worthy of a place I need to give up time I havent got ( and before anyone calls me on this, I'm drowning here, i need to catch my breathe and cant)
4) I feel I should be working - I'm sick of having no money, its all on tick or *borrowed* from the kids money boxes.
5) i'm a fat fucker - diets dont work and I need to exercise, but please see No. 3 re lack of time.
I feel so guilty about everything - feel guilty that stew is having to earn all the money, and pick up the slack when i'm at college / doing homework. Feel guilty that i'm a horrid shouty mum to the kids - Abbie sounds like me sometimes when she is shouting at Harry and it makes me feel so bad. Not sure how I will get them through their childhood without totally fucking them up.
I've run out of steam, i've hit rock bottom, and I dont know what to do to put it all right and make Saz happy again - my blood sugars are high, they havent been under 8 before or after food for nearly a week now :0(
I'm so fucking stupid, i forgot what we were playing at bingo today and actually forgot to shout when a line came up and I missed out on £10.00 - It took me all my strength not to cry.
I feel so down and worthless - I really cant see the point anymore ( and before anyone starts panicking i'm not about to do anything silly!) I feel like the shitest mother ever - I am struggling with Harry and his behaviour, I spend all my days shouting at him, I get so wound up I cant calm down, I dont have time to do my college work, I have 600-700 words left on a fucking essay about enzymes - i'm actually sat here dithering whether I should spend NYE ironing or essay writing - I dont even know why I am contemplating Uni, I am seriously considering pulling my application. I have the application for the operating department practice and I really dont think I will send it off, I really dont think I could handle the rejection
I cant tell Stew how i'm feeling I dont want to burden him, I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry, I feel so under pressure and I dont know how to relieve it, I'm sick of pretending - I need to grow a pair man up and learn to say NO!!!!
So I will write here what I cant say out loud:
1) I dont want to go to church anymore - I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD! I believe that Jesus existed and he set an example of how to love and not to judge and for that he should be revered. I believe in Mediums and spiritulists and I think the Unitarians have got it pretty spot on.
2) I'm struggling with Harry, god I love him, but someone please help me, one of these days I'm either going to tell him to fuck off or I will swing for him.
3) I dont want to volunteer, I havent got the fucking time, but to prove to someone at uni that i'm an all round good egg, and worthy of a place I need to give up time I havent got ( and before anyone calls me on this, I'm drowning here, i need to catch my breathe and cant)
4) I feel I should be working - I'm sick of having no money, its all on tick or *borrowed* from the kids money boxes.
5) i'm a fat fucker - diets dont work and I need to exercise, but please see No. 3 re lack of time.
I feel so guilty about everything - feel guilty that stew is having to earn all the money, and pick up the slack when i'm at college / doing homework. Feel guilty that i'm a horrid shouty mum to the kids - Abbie sounds like me sometimes when she is shouting at Harry and it makes me feel so bad. Not sure how I will get them through their childhood without totally fucking them up.
Thursday, 3 December 2009
Despondency your name is Sara
I'm feeling very lost at the moment - I'm floundering about not knowing whats the right thing to do.
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