Impending 36ness and BIG apologies

I've only been trying all week to blog, but things kept getting in the way!

Usually the few weeks preceeding my hatchday is usually some what of a gloomy affair - another year older ( not necessarily wiser!), another year of missed opportunity, procrastination and annoyance with myself, but not so this time round. Had a bit of an epiphany at the weekend - it was my cousins wedding do, and I was surrounded by family and for the first time in ages I felt truly relaxed and at peace ( it could have been the vast amount of Auntie Vivi's Bombay Sapphire gin that Auntie Jackie was pouring me that did it) I was sat with peeps that love me unconditionally and make me laugh (and also take the piss - i'm looking at you Geoffrey Swift!), I've not seen some of my family since Pheebz christening in May 2009, but we always just pick up where we left off, like we saw them only last week - its a most lovely way to be, Mi Casa Es Su Casa and all that jazz  :0)

This new found sense of peace and calm - has got me wondering if university is a good idea for me at all, I know college was pretty intense - 2 A levels and a GCSE in 9 months, but its only now i'm on the other side of it that I can see how bad I was - trying to spilt myself in 4 and be a good student, good mum, good current wife and good friend was just horrid, I felt like I was letting everyone down, not being able to give them my all, and it hurt me deeply - I will have to do the same in September 2011 BUT hopefully the stresses will be lessened with the kids being older, me being mentally better and the support I know I have, and believe me this time I will use it ( friends be warned and offers WILL be taken up on!)

Still trying to fight the money demons - I feel like I should really go get a job to make a contribution to the household pot and not be a sponge - but if I do, then I will really struggle money wise at uni - I just want to feel valuble and I want to be able to move.

and finally hugest and sincere apologies  to

• Linda R
• Jojo H
• Mel N
• Mel C
• Melissa B
• Lucy E
• Tracey W
• Mandy F
• Emma C
• Debbie W
• Dee W

Forgive me Ladies for I doubted your sanity in your twilight obsession  - BUT I hasten to add Cullen is my own personal brand of Heroin! OMG when it first come out it was like FGS bloody Rpatz - i'm still like that but would forgive him anything when he is Edward!! The Books are beautiful, the Films are beautiful  - WHY oh WHY did I wait so long to read them???? so far this week, I've read Twilight and New Moon, and am 3/4 of the way through Eclipse, I have watch Twilight twice and new moon once, and I have rushed out and bought all 4 books and both the films. I feel quite giggly and silly about it all but the books are just simply breathtaking and you just cannot put them down.

and on that note I will end saying "c'mon 36ness and 4 years till the big 40, i'm ready for you!!"

Following on

I have lots of people telling me how they are glad i'm back to my normal self, thats its good to see me smiling again, seriously people - how bad was I??  The student / mummy combination was bloody hard going, i'm figuring Uni should be easier, not from a work point of view but from a time management one, but the what if's have set in.

aah sod it, will just see what happens - I know the cap and gown are in my future, so will just enjoy the now and worry about the later - later :0)

Good grief I was horrible!!!!!

Yes, yes I was!!! how do people put up with me??? seriously????

Now college has finished I can see what a funk I was in with it all!!! Pressure, pah - I needed a cloning machine, or the ability to split myself in 4! I'm now really happy that I have deferred - the next 15 months are all about me and mine. The past 9 months have also shown me that I need to be more true to myself, I NEED to be happy, because if i'm not the whole family suffers, So I will probably still be my same old diplomatic self - but I will be saying NO a hell of a lot more and I wont apologise for it either.

This is where Saz gets happy!

Tis Done

After many an email and stressification, I have deferred so I now start on the 14th September 2011 - it just gives me time to get my head straight and see how I go, so it gives me plenty of time to collect stationary and stuff and be a little bit more prepared - seeing how fast this year has gone, i'll soon be sat here thinking crikey i'm going to uni in a few months.

So hopefully this will be the start of much less stressed Saz xXx

Hello Rock, Hello Hard Place - I am betwix you!!!

*sigh* uni or not uni? put me first or the kids? Defer or plough on ahead? Uni or get a job?

Feel like i need to keep going -  but I dont think its right - anxiety attacks for 96 hours now.

Harry ended up in A&E, poor lamb - very under the weather, I dont think I can do this with them being so young, my head hurts, my hearts pounding, cant think straight :0(

1 exam left to go, last one was utter misery, this one has to be better!

oh blog how I have missed thee

I need to get my arse in gear and start blogging again - mental health slipping not good!

June glorious June!!!!

Well not really

Yesterday the soul was ripped out of my home county, the one place where sheep rustling was the biggest worry, where everyone knows everyone, where you can leave your door unlocked and go to bed. Yesterday for reasons only know to himself a man, decided to end the lives of 12 people, proabably would have been more, if he hadnt have taken his own life. I am so sad and so angry - a senseless waste of life, lives ruined forever and a beautiful place has been tainted forever!! Cumbria has had enough, the floods in Carlisle taking 3 lives, the loss of PC Bill Barker in Workington, the Keswick bus crash last week and now this.

No-one should own a gun unless they need it for work, a taxi driver with a criminal record should not have been allowed to have a sniper rifle and a shot gun. Nothing has been learnt from Dunblaine or Hungerford.

My heart hurts for the people of Cumbria - Love, Light, Strength and Healing for everyone involved, and may the angels and spirits take care of those taken far too soon X