Heading to the knackers yard

I thinks its time I goes!!! after a sugar spikes and a rise in my HBC1 ( or hsbc as I called it) I am to start Metformin, it was ultimately my decision but you cant mess about with Diabetes. I have children and a hubbie to look after, and I cant do that with missing toes/fingers/limbs and ultimately life - and I have myself and college/uni to consider too!

My cholesterol isn't brilliant either so i've to start statins for that. My blood pressure was on the high side 162/95 and the last time it was checked it was 149/90 - so if it doesnt come down, i'm heading for blood pressure tablets too.

I am however having a last hurrah - you cant really drink on metformin, so i'm out tomorrow night with my girlies from college - and i will start taking my tablets on sunday.

Enough is enough

I bought myself a book called the power of no, i've only read the first few chapters - and already its speaking volumes to me. Another thing that has got me thinking is a status viral doing the rounds on facebook, a baby loss one. SO i reposted it as my status and put that it was 8 yrs on the 7th of Jan since I lost our first baby.

Last night in bed it hit me that I have been sad for 8 years, 8 YEARS!!!! if i live to be 80 I will have been sad for 10% of my life and that is a blimming long time. I cant go on like this, if I do it will be another 8 years and 20% of my life gone - so I am going to try my hardest to be less sad and I am going to be kinder to myself and less critical of myself and I am going to learn to say no, and not feel gulity about it. I am worthy of being on this planet, I am worthy of peoples love, so lets see how I get on.

Last Post of 2009

and its a whingy one ( quelle surprise!!)

I've run out of steam, i've hit rock bottom, and I dont know what to do to put it all right and make Saz happy again - my blood sugars are high, they havent been under 8 before or after food for nearly a week now :0(

I'm so fucking stupid, i forgot what we were playing at bingo today and actually forgot to shout when a line came up and I missed out on £10.00 - It took me all my strength not to cry.

I feel so down and worthless - I really cant see the point anymore ( and before anyone starts panicking i'm not about to do anything silly!) I feel like the shitest mother ever - I am struggling with Harry and his behaviour, I spend all my days shouting at him, I get so wound up I cant calm down, I dont have time to do my college work, I have 600-700 words left on a fucking essay about enzymes - i'm actually sat here dithering whether I should spend NYE ironing or essay writing - I dont even know why I am contemplating Uni, I am seriously considering pulling my application. I have the application for the operating department practice and I really dont think I will send it off, I really dont think I could handle the rejection

I cant tell Stew how i'm feeling I dont want to burden him, I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry, I feel so under pressure and I dont know how to relieve it, I'm sick of pretending - I need to grow a pair man up and learn to say NO!!!!
So I will write here what I cant say out loud:

1) I dont want to go to church anymore - I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD! I believe that Jesus existed and he set an example of how to love and not to judge and for that he should be revered. I believe in Mediums and spiritulists and I think the Unitarians have got it pretty spot on.

2) I'm struggling with Harry, god I love him, but someone please help me, one of these days I'm either going to tell him to fuck off or I will swing for him.

3) I dont want to volunteer, I havent got the fucking time, but to prove to someone at uni that i'm an all round good egg, and worthy of a place I need to give up time I havent got ( and before anyone calls me on this, I'm drowning here, i need to catch my breathe and cant)

4) I feel I should be working - I'm sick of having no money, its all on tick or *borrowed* from the kids money boxes.

5) i'm a fat fucker - diets dont work and I need to exercise, but please see No. 3 re lack of time.

I feel so guilty about everything - feel guilty that stew is having to earn all the money, and pick up the slack when i'm at college / doing homework. Feel guilty that i'm a horrid shouty mum to the kids - Abbie sounds like me sometimes when she is shouting at Harry and it makes me feel so bad. Not sure how I will get them through their childhood without totally fucking them up.

Despondency your name is Sara

I'm feeling very lost at the moment - I'm floundering about not knowing whats the right thing to do.

*sigh*

Well so much for my blogging resolution, I have less and less time these days, but I am aiming to blog at least weekly, quick catch - Harry is at school, going to longlands next week and i'm grrrrrr at school's dismissive treatment of him! Abbie is flourishing as always, and christ on a bike she is 7 in a few weeks! Pheebz, ah my little pheebz - she has been discharged from the dietitians :0)

Stew is Stew, never changes although I have managed to crow bar his wallet open on more than a few occassions recently

and me??? Fat and F*cked is about right- Plodding on with college, joined weightwatchers have lost over a stone but utterly pigging miserable and hungry, so i think I will swop to slimming world in stead watch this space..........................................

For the love of all things holy, let me sleep

Why do I do this? why do I over think things? why can I just accept I can't control things and just go with the flow? Why do I worry about upsetting or putting people out???? Fuck me I make life hard on myself.

for the past week or so I have seen midnight come round, everything has been milling through my brain :-

Money, why do we have to struggle, we are remortgaging but its all on a tightrope, we just want to be comfortable, not to have to worry if we can go shopping at the end of each week, not to have to keep explaining to the kids that they havent been on holiday or they havent been out cos we cant afford it.

College is a great source of angst at the moment, there are so many external things I cant control at the moment and its driving me crazy, What happens if Pheebz doesnt settle at nursery? should I maybe defer for a year and get her used to going to other peoples house etc without me, she just seems so little to be going to nursery, I'm so worried that I will have to give college up in a few months if she doesnt settle. Harry is another source of angst - in the last TAC meeting the teacher said she would give him till the 22/10/09 to settle in, and if he doesnt she will keep him on afternoons, if this happens I WILL have to end college - would it be overly unreasonable to ask her to keep him on mornings + lunch and then my mum could pick him up, he will settle I KNOW he will it all depends whats the easy option for HER.

Its all so fucking unfair, I should be looking forward to this but i'm so worried, i'm going greyer by the day - Deferring for a year is looking like a good option at the moment, give Harry and Pheebz time to settle down, I havent a clue what to do - being a grown up stucks big time

its catch up time

hhhhooookkkkkaaaayyyyyyy then urm *looks down sheepishly* the first weight loss goal didnt quite go to plan, here i am 15st 2lb, and we are starting again! i'm putting more umph into this time as i have 3 big do's next year and I dont want to have to shop at Evans and pay their ridiculous prices!

College is still on track, I have my enrollment days on the 7th and 8th of September, very excited and just a wee bit scared too.

Harry well he has had an assessment with the HV from Longlands and now we wait for an appoinment for him, we are on the cancellation list, on an up note she did say it was doubtful to be ADHD as he can be calm and he sleeps and its unlikely to be aspergers as he has a sense of humour and has problems with his speech, apparently peeps with aspergers have neither, so its either autism / a general ASD /or a sensory processing problem, so we will see