on so many levels really.
1) why havent I blogged in so long??? its all milling about in my head, where quite frankly its not doing me any good.
2) I am self harming - I have been feeling unwell for a while, I put it down reducing my thyroid meds, and it is partly that, the main reason is my blood sugars are high, I actually fell asleep for an hour this morning, thanking all the deities that abbie was off otherwise Phoebe would have been on her own, I literally could not keep my eyes open, so i've been tracking my blood sugars today and they are high. I need to get a grip. I am so angry with myself, I was choc free for over 4 months and now i'm stuffing it down my craw like some one is going to take it off me.
Today has frightened me if i'm honest, If I dont take this seriously I could lose my sight or my limbs at best or my life at worse case scenario.
I dont know why I over eat or eat the wrong stuff, it just hits the spot I suppose, it makes me feel better till the self loathing kicks in. I was talking to a lovely lovely goddess friend of mine and she cant understand how I look in the mirror and not like what I see, I see a fat bloke looking back at me - I know this sounds stupid but i've had people telling me that I look butch and i've had people tell me that they thought I was a lesbian, so I must look really manly, i'm not a delicate flower by any stretch of the imagination - but some times I struggle to see what Stew sees in me.
So from here on, I need to start taking better care of myself, I at least owe stew and the kids that
