nuff said
Tired, bone achingly tired
Headachey
I just want to cry - so fed up of feeling pressure, just want to run away
Friday 21 May 2010
Saturday 15 May 2010
*sigh*
I am a Tit, this is not an opinion its a fact!!!!!
Since the age of 12-13, I wanted to be a midwife - it is my absolute dream job, GCSE's not going how I planned, bouts of apathy, lack of direction, life in general and a stunning lack of self confidence meant that I thought it was something I could never achieve.
So after parting with Phoebe - I set about looking at doing something for myself, I really didnt think that I would ever ever be a midwife, so I looked at the next best thing for me, Radiography - specifically antenatal ultrasound. I am now having a wobble, I have only one chance to go to uni - shouldnt it been for my dream job?? Radiography clinic hours are more family friendly, and that one of the reasons why it appealed to me, so that is why I applied for it. Many people have said to me that they were surprised by my choice as they think I am a born midwife, I dunno - I was putting the kids first, but thats what you do when you are a mum isn't it?
Dont get me wrong, I would be more than happy to study radiographer, I could see out my working days there, but you only get one shot at life dont you?!?!
So here is my dilemma, Do I give up on a offer of a place to study radiography this year, to apply for midwifery next year which has 1000 applicants for approx 12 places??? or to I stay on the track I am on??
I really dont know what to do?
Since the age of 12-13, I wanted to be a midwife - it is my absolute dream job, GCSE's not going how I planned, bouts of apathy, lack of direction, life in general and a stunning lack of self confidence meant that I thought it was something I could never achieve.
So after parting with Phoebe - I set about looking at doing something for myself, I really didnt think that I would ever ever be a midwife, so I looked at the next best thing for me, Radiography - specifically antenatal ultrasound. I am now having a wobble, I have only one chance to go to uni - shouldnt it been for my dream job?? Radiography clinic hours are more family friendly, and that one of the reasons why it appealed to me, so that is why I applied for it. Many people have said to me that they were surprised by my choice as they think I am a born midwife, I dunno - I was putting the kids first, but thats what you do when you are a mum isn't it?
Dont get me wrong, I would be more than happy to study radiographer, I could see out my working days there, but you only get one shot at life dont you?!?!
So here is my dilemma, Do I give up on a offer of a place to study radiography this year, to apply for midwifery next year which has 1000 applicants for approx 12 places??? or to I stay on the track I am on??
I really dont know what to do?
Friday 14 May 2010
Missing : Fun Saz - reward offered
Yesterday damn near finished me off - ready to jack it all in, college, uni everything.
We had an IEP meeting at Harry's school and all we got was "well he doesnt do that here" "That doesnt sound like him" and" if he is doing that at home there is nothing we can do" I was made to feel like I was lying, got told off about how I approach his homework as well, I am fed up with it all - I have started to doubt myself now, maybe he isnt as bad as I am saying, maybe I just cant cope with him? maybe its a boy thing? The school also think the Paedrition has got it really wrong with her assessment of things - I despair I really do, only at the parents evening his class teacher was saying that she thinks he will need support definately by year 2, yesterday she said nothing of the sort. This morning I felt like filming him so people can see what he is like.
So Shit mother or over dramatic stupid bitch or what? be buggered if I know.
Stew mentioned to me yesterday to try and keep positive and try and be more fun, like I used to be, i'm too young to be old apparently, he suggested doing something crazy with my hair colour like dye it purple or pink or something - Think he is just sick of looking at a grey headed sad sack - his heart is in the right place bless him, he just wants his wife to be happy again, I am all too aware of the effect I have on my family - but I dont know what to do to make it all right again, even my mum told me to enjoy Phoebe more as she is my last - and here I am shoving her into child care while at college, spending lots of time revising or writing, cursing her when I cant because she wants to sit with me, even Harry said he didnt want me to look after him when he was poorly as i'm always to busy with college work.
I need to do something for myself, but i'm feeling so selfish as I should be here for my kids not fucking off to uni.
ooo oooooo oooooo I know what I am now a self pitying martyr mum - I really need to get a fucking grip!
We had an IEP meeting at Harry's school and all we got was "well he doesnt do that here" "That doesnt sound like him" and" if he is doing that at home there is nothing we can do" I was made to feel like I was lying, got told off about how I approach his homework as well, I am fed up with it all - I have started to doubt myself now, maybe he isnt as bad as I am saying, maybe I just cant cope with him? maybe its a boy thing? The school also think the Paedrition has got it really wrong with her assessment of things - I despair I really do, only at the parents evening his class teacher was saying that she thinks he will need support definately by year 2, yesterday she said nothing of the sort. This morning I felt like filming him so people can see what he is like.
So Shit mother or over dramatic stupid bitch or what? be buggered if I know.
Stew mentioned to me yesterday to try and keep positive and try and be more fun, like I used to be, i'm too young to be old apparently, he suggested doing something crazy with my hair colour like dye it purple or pink or something - Think he is just sick of looking at a grey headed sad sack - his heart is in the right place bless him, he just wants his wife to be happy again, I am all too aware of the effect I have on my family - but I dont know what to do to make it all right again, even my mum told me to enjoy Phoebe more as she is my last - and here I am shoving her into child care while at college, spending lots of time revising or writing, cursing her when I cant because she wants to sit with me, even Harry said he didnt want me to look after him when he was poorly as i'm always to busy with college work.
I need to do something for myself, but i'm feeling so selfish as I should be here for my kids not fucking off to uni.
ooo oooooo oooooo I know what I am now a self pitying martyr mum - I really need to get a fucking grip!
Sunday 9 May 2010
last night
I spent most of it pondering if there was any quick fixes to my fat arse, I pondered slim fast, metabolism boosters ( mines knackered - underactive thyroid), colonic irrigation and then surgery, what really pisses me off is there are many people bigger than me who are a damn sight more healthy, it really isn't fair *stamps feet*
I am also going to stop making plans as it just frustrates me!! Today was meant to be
What actually Happened was
I am also going to stop making plans as it just frustrates me!! Today was meant to be
- Ironing
- college work
- dinner
- college work
- tea at the outlaws and college work
- kids bath and bed
- college work
What actually Happened was
- Harry up at 5am
- everyone else up just after 8
- make everyone brekkie stuff my own down my neck
- Ironing from 10.00 to 12
- Portaportti sorted
- clothes put away
- Shower
- HYPO!!!!
- lunch
- feel really wiped out and shattered after hypo
- Harry complains of feeling unwell
- doesn't want me to look after him as i am always working and wont play on the wii with him
- agree to play wii
- no college work done what so ever
- tantrums a plenty as harry isn't winning
- I still feel crap
- start cooking tea
- tea is ready harry has nodded off
Saturday 8 May 2010
I really need to blog more
Its all built up again like a big black cloud looming, everything tumbling about, making no sense, not letting me rest, not letting me sleep, making me snappy, shouty, bitchy and very unhappy.
Can not having chocolate make you depressed??? I know it boosts seretonin and i used to eat a fair old whack, so its possible I suppose. I feel horrible at the moment all angry and disjointed, I feel out of control especially in respect to going to uni,.trying to find out information, going from pillar to post banging my head on several walls, I really dont know where I go from here, just wait and see I suppose, but uncertainty is no good for the soul!!
Noise is driving me at the moment, I crave peace and quiet and i'm not getting it, I need to quiet my mind to catch my breath and its just not happening, Phoebe whinging and tantrumming, Harry screaming and crying cos something hasnt quite gone right, and Abbie's incessant wittering, please dont get me wrong - I love my children more than life its self, but they generate so much noise that sometimes I cant think straight. Everything is so jumbled and cluttered, everywhere I look there is something that i needed to do yesterday, but with trying to finsh my lets make cress sexy and interesting project its just not happening I need a 30 hr day or committing one of the two!!
I decided to give up chocolate and boozing in the house PAH!!!! what a dickhead, its been nearly 3 weeks choc free and nearly a week booze free do I feel better? do I feck - I have been watching what I eat as well, lots of water, fruit, veg and cutting back on the snacking and I have I lost weight, erm let me think........... NO!!!! I am bloated and my clothes are tight. I really hate myself at the moment, I am the fattest I have ever been, I *have* to wear jammies at the moment or my thighs rub together, I am disgusting - and again through lack of time/too much to do/ lethergy/ depression - I dont do anything about it, and then I get angry with my self and my cycle of self loathing goes on, and what makes me feel a complete and utter twat, is the fact that there are far more important things going on in the world and in peoples lives and I am wallowing in self pity, I really am quite pathetic and need a slap about the chops with a wet kipper
Can not having chocolate make you depressed??? I know it boosts seretonin and i used to eat a fair old whack, so its possible I suppose. I feel horrible at the moment all angry and disjointed, I feel out of control especially in respect to going to uni,.trying to find out information, going from pillar to post banging my head on several walls, I really dont know where I go from here, just wait and see I suppose, but uncertainty is no good for the soul!!
Noise is driving me at the moment, I crave peace and quiet and i'm not getting it, I need to quiet my mind to catch my breath and its just not happening, Phoebe whinging and tantrumming, Harry screaming and crying cos something hasnt quite gone right, and Abbie's incessant wittering, please dont get me wrong - I love my children more than life its self, but they generate so much noise that sometimes I cant think straight. Everything is so jumbled and cluttered, everywhere I look there is something that i needed to do yesterday, but with trying to finsh my lets make cress sexy and interesting project its just not happening I need a 30 hr day or committing one of the two!!
I decided to give up chocolate and boozing in the house PAH!!!! what a dickhead, its been nearly 3 weeks choc free and nearly a week booze free do I feel better? do I feck - I have been watching what I eat as well, lots of water, fruit, veg and cutting back on the snacking and I have I lost weight, erm let me think........... NO!!!! I am bloated and my clothes are tight. I really hate myself at the moment, I am the fattest I have ever been, I *have* to wear jammies at the moment or my thighs rub together, I am disgusting - and again through lack of time/too much to do/ lethergy/ depression - I dont do anything about it, and then I get angry with my self and my cycle of self loathing goes on, and what makes me feel a complete and utter twat, is the fact that there are far more important things going on in the world and in peoples lives and I am wallowing in self pity, I really am quite pathetic and need a slap about the chops with a wet kipper
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