Last Post of 2009

and its a whingy one ( quelle surprise!!)

I've run out of steam, i've hit rock bottom, and I dont know what to do to put it all right and make Saz happy again - my blood sugars are high, they havent been under 8 before or after food for nearly a week now :0(

I'm so fucking stupid, i forgot what we were playing at bingo today and actually forgot to shout when a line came up and I missed out on £10.00 - It took me all my strength not to cry.

I feel so down and worthless - I really cant see the point anymore ( and before anyone starts panicking i'm not about to do anything silly!) I feel like the shitest mother ever - I am struggling with Harry and his behaviour, I spend all my days shouting at him, I get so wound up I cant calm down, I dont have time to do my college work, I have 600-700 words left on a fucking essay about enzymes - i'm actually sat here dithering whether I should spend NYE ironing or essay writing - I dont even know why I am contemplating Uni, I am seriously considering pulling my application. I have the application for the operating department practice and I really dont think I will send it off, I really dont think I could handle the rejection

I cant tell Stew how i'm feeling I dont want to burden him, I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry, I feel so under pressure and I dont know how to relieve it, I'm sick of pretending - I need to grow a pair man up and learn to say NO!!!!
So I will write here what I cant say out loud:

1) I dont want to go to church anymore - I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD! I believe that Jesus existed and he set an example of how to love and not to judge and for that he should be revered. I believe in Mediums and spiritulists and I think the Unitarians have got it pretty spot on.

2) I'm struggling with Harry, god I love him, but someone please help me, one of these days I'm either going to tell him to fuck off or I will swing for him.

3) I dont want to volunteer, I havent got the fucking time, but to prove to someone at uni that i'm an all round good egg, and worthy of a place I need to give up time I havent got ( and before anyone calls me on this, I'm drowning here, i need to catch my breathe and cant)

4) I feel I should be working - I'm sick of having no money, its all on tick or *borrowed* from the kids money boxes.

5) i'm a fat fucker - diets dont work and I need to exercise, but please see No. 3 re lack of time.

I feel so guilty about everything - feel guilty that stew is having to earn all the money, and pick up the slack when i'm at college / doing homework. Feel guilty that i'm a horrid shouty mum to the kids - Abbie sounds like me sometimes when she is shouting at Harry and it makes me feel so bad. Not sure how I will get them through their childhood without totally fucking them up.

Despondency your name is Sara

I'm feeling very lost at the moment - I'm floundering about not knowing whats the right thing to do.

*sigh*

Well so much for my blogging resolution, I have less and less time these days, but I am aiming to blog at least weekly, quick catch - Harry is at school, going to longlands next week and i'm grrrrrr at school's dismissive treatment of him! Abbie is flourishing as always, and christ on a bike she is 7 in a few weeks! Pheebz, ah my little pheebz - she has been discharged from the dietitians :0)

Stew is Stew, never changes although I have managed to crow bar his wallet open on more than a few occassions recently

and me??? Fat and F*cked is about right- Plodding on with college, joined weightwatchers have lost over a stone but utterly pigging miserable and hungry, so i think I will swop to slimming world in stead watch this space..........................................

For the love of all things holy, let me sleep

Why do I do this? why do I over think things? why can I just accept I can't control things and just go with the flow? Why do I worry about upsetting or putting people out???? Fuck me I make life hard on myself.

for the past week or so I have seen midnight come round, everything has been milling through my brain :-

Money, why do we have to struggle, we are remortgaging but its all on a tightrope, we just want to be comfortable, not to have to worry if we can go shopping at the end of each week, not to have to keep explaining to the kids that they havent been on holiday or they havent been out cos we cant afford it.

College is a great source of angst at the moment, there are so many external things I cant control at the moment and its driving me crazy, What happens if Pheebz doesnt settle at nursery? should I maybe defer for a year and get her used to going to other peoples house etc without me, she just seems so little to be going to nursery, I'm so worried that I will have to give college up in a few months if she doesnt settle. Harry is another source of angst - in the last TAC meeting the teacher said she would give him till the 22/10/09 to settle in, and if he doesnt she will keep him on afternoons, if this happens I WILL have to end college - would it be overly unreasonable to ask her to keep him on mornings + lunch and then my mum could pick him up, he will settle I KNOW he will it all depends whats the easy option for HER.

Its all so fucking unfair, I should be looking forward to this but i'm so worried, i'm going greyer by the day - Deferring for a year is looking like a good option at the moment, give Harry and Pheebz time to settle down, I havent a clue what to do - being a grown up stucks big time

its catch up time

hhhhooookkkkkaaaayyyyyyy then urm *looks down sheepishly* the first weight loss goal didnt quite go to plan, here i am 15st 2lb, and we are starting again! i'm putting more umph into this time as i have 3 big do's next year and I dont want to have to shop at Evans and pay their ridiculous prices!

College is still on track, I have my enrollment days on the 7th and 8th of September, very excited and just a wee bit scared too.

Harry well he has had an assessment with the HV from Longlands and now we wait for an appoinment for him, we are on the cancellation list, on an up note she did say it was doubtful to be ADHD as he can be calm and he sleeps and its unlikely to be aspergers as he has a sense of humour and has problems with his speech, apparently peeps with aspergers have neither, so its either autism / a general ASD /or a sensory processing problem, so we will see

A Good Weekend

Well at 23.20 yesterday evening we welcomed to the world Anita and Pauls little baby boy, he is unnamed as of yet but we are very happy for the Hart Family

and



Craigy and Hev have set the date!!!!! and they are getting married here http://www.legacy-hotels.co.uk/legacy-thefalcon/DisplayArticle.asp?ID=45533

so the diet starts now!!! andf my first goal is a mums night out on the 8th August, so lets see how much I can shift in 6 weeks :0)

Where's the Pub, I'm a student dontcha know!

Yep thats right i'm a Student (again) yesterday I went to college and picked my options for my Access course. In September I will be studying level 3 Biology and Human physiology, level 2 Maths and a toolkit for uni, eeep so thats it the road to Diagnostic Radiography starts here, i want to run out and buy all my pens, pencils, rubbers, paper, folders, folder dividers, a shed load of tippex and a sparkly bag to put it all in and i want to buy it NOW!!!!!! i'm too giddy to wait, sod buying uniform and stuff for the kids, i want my college stuff :0)

It looks like I qualify for help with childcare, and i may qualify for an adult learners grant too, i'm going to college next week for the why's and wherefore's GIDDY!!!!!!!

We had a meeting today about Harry, the senco for the childrens centre has been brilliant and we are really pushing for a referal to the educational pysch as soon as poss, feel much happier about stuff and things seem to be going in the right direction, just need to get Pheebz sorted now and she is at the dietitians tomorrow, cross fingers everyone!

Nana Molly

This is nana molly easter monday 2009
This is Nana Molly, the pic was taken xmas eve 2008.

Yesterday we laid her to rest, she fought bloody valiantly against brain cancer but she sadly lost the battle last Saturday 16th May 2009.

Let me tell you about Nana Molly, i can really sum her up in one word - Love, She was the kindest, most loving, generous soul I have ever met.

She welcomed me to her family with open arms, and i am all the more blessed for knowing her, i truely am. You know when she collasped the very first time and was taken to hospital, we found out at the same time that Pheebz had heart problems and we had to whip her off down to Alder Hey, Stew and the kids were ill so couldnt come with me, and all Nan was bothered about was me and Phoebe, she had just found out she had terminal cancer and she was more worried about me - she was totally selfless, i know she shed tears in private about her illness but if anyone asked her about it her reply was *it is a bother* and that was it.

Yesterday at her funeral Brookhouse methodist chapel was packed to the rafters with people who had the good fortune to have known and loved her, she was interred at Quernmore methodist Church yard, she is now back with Teddie, and that makes me glad, but to know i wont see her again for a long long time makes my heart hurt.

I want to put here what i never got to tell her.

Nan, Thank you, Thank you for welcoming me into your family and making me feel like one of your own, I know Stew and I didnt always do things in the right way ( Abbie first and then getting married) but you took it all in your stride, and i'm so so glad you had a little strop that made us change our wedding plans, You were so right the day was so much better because of you. I just wish i had known you for longer, but the last ten years have been an absolute pleasure, and i'm so glad you got to meet and love my Children, who absolutely adored you as much as I did, I love you Nan, and i'm glad you are at peace and painfree, but I miss you so much, I will look after Stew and the kids as well as I can.

Heaven has a new Angel and Mary Huddleston that is you, god bless you nan
With all my love
Sara XXXX

The end is beginning

Nan is in the hospice, she is getting steadily more confused and upset, she is convinced that she has missed P's christening and its upsetting her greatly.

Its so fucking unfair, she is a kind gentle soul and she doesnt deserve this, she should just drift off peacefully and with dignity, she shouldnt be living her final days in confusion and being scared of where she is, she is a very devout methodist lady very steadfast in her faith, I wish I had her convictions and strength of character, lets just say my life has been blessed for the better in knowing Nana Molly.

Shifting the fat ass

so we start!! :0) power walking is my new bezzie mate, Did a large circuit of beaumont/skerton last night and then 30 mins on the wii fit, not going out for a PW tonight, as I have been into town and back today and I am tackling mount st ironing later once the kidlets are in bed, so i think 4-5 power walks and at least 1 gym session a week is do-able or at least i'm going to make it do-able!

ooo ooo oooo managed a little run last night too only 3 lamposts but hey its a start!!! :0)

whats that strange feeling????

Hmmmmmmm, I feel strange - I feel hopeful and calm, tis most strange, since Stewbertina ballerina had the snip, I feel different......................... almost relieved, my baby making days are done - now we move forward, I'm looking at college courses either an access to nursing or an access to higher education with a view to either Nursing or Radiography ( with then a view to ante-natal ultrasound) to be honest over the last 10 days or so I have had 3 people ask me if i'm a nurse, so that has gotten the cogs turning. I want to do something and be something my kids will be proud of me for.

I feel giddy, i have a fluttery feeling inside, but I am going to take little steps one at a time, starting with the access courses, I dont want to get all giddy as envitably if i get excited and run with it, a giant spanner appears in the works


watch this space

ok motivation starts now!

I have been looking into how you start running, so i briskly walked to church this morning (thought i better show my face) then brisk walked/ran back TBH it was more walking as i just couldnt seem to run,and i cant jog at all, i either have to run like the devils after me or walk, its reet strange!!!! it didnt help that a lovely lady called Dorothy gave me a bag of stuff for Abbie, so i tried to run bag in hand :roll: and ended up shoving it down my fleece so it i looked pregnant again lol

had a reading with Marilyn last night, she told me all about the diabetes i have, she also said that she can see problems with blood pressure ( i have 3 kids what do you expect!!!)and colestrol too and that there will be a change of medication too ( i'm being re checked in july if my sugars have risen then i start metformin and statins) so motivated saz starts now!

Proud blog!!!

My little brother ladies and gentlemen! last night he won the inspirational team leader of the year at the Lancashire Police awards held at Hutton. He is an acting sargent for the specials, everything he does is totally voluntary, he organises nights out for his team and makes sure they are really well looked after, he was nominated by his Inspector and one of the Police Officers he works with and it was voted on by 3 independant Police Officers from other divisions. He knew he was going to the awards do, but had no idea he was up for one :0)

And this is the boy who at school was told he was thick and stupid (he is dyslexic), i think he has showed them!!!!!!

My Brain hurts - whinge alert!!!! whinge alert!!!!!!!

why do i just use my blog to whinge???? i must admit getting it all down on *paper* does tend to stop it all milling around my head and getting all caught up in the fluff thats in there!

had my dietitians appointment yesterday, it went well till she put me on the scales, so at 15.20pm fully dressed and wearing my lovely comfy boots i weighed the grand total of 15st 4lb 8oz, fat fat fucker!!! seriously seriously gutted, i have never been this big, i could cry if i think about it too much :0(

I'm also having a crisis of faith - I know what i believe i just dont know what to call it, this is basically what i believe, I believe that Jesus exisited, i dont think he was the son of God, I think he was a comforting, healing spiritual person who brought peace to a great many people, I certainly dont believe the bibles story of how the world started, big bang and mr darwin thank you!

I have seen mediums in the past and what i have got from them no-one outside my family would have known, so i know my family who has past watch over me, everyone has a guardian angel, ever wondered why you got out of bed 10 minutes later then usual then found out there was an accident when you should have been there - thats your angel. I have dabbled in wicca and paganism, i'm a big beliver in the power of mother nature, she is the ultimate goddess in my opinion.

so can you be a believer in jesus and a pagan? am i a christian spiritualist? am i a pantheist? should i become a pastafarian? i am drawn to this from the home page of the unitarians

– in the spirit of civil and religious liberty, equality of respect and
opportunity is for everyone
– everyone has the right to seek truth and
meaning for themselves

i respect all religions, everyone has the right to believe what they want with out fear or loathing, just wish i could find a name for mine aarrgghhhhh

fat git

This is me taken yesterday 19 weeks + 5 days post natal with Pheebz

this was me taken a year ago when i was 5 wks 3 days preggers with pheebz

fat fucker nuff said!!!

i've set myself a goal!!!!!!

Fatty Atty!!!

Good lord, i have put sooooooo much weight on, tis all my own fault, lost loads when i was preggers with Phoebe, but once i stopped the insulin and started eating all what i had to cut back on , i have piled the weight on, I'm now too big for my size 18 stuff and a wee bit too small for size 20. I have been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, now you would think that would kick start me into sorting my diet out, but I seem to have been having a last hurrah since xmas eve, but I need to sort myself out :(

So far I have been lucky, good blood glucose and cholesterol results means that I can control with diet for now and they will review in July, so I am going to make a really big effort to get back to cutting out the crap, drinking more water and get back to the gym.

I need to do this, for my babies and Stew, and also its Pheebz christening in 4 months and i would like to be able to wear something nice, so thats my goal for now.

Its a bit of a vicious circle really, I look fat and feel crap, so i eat to cheer myself up, and that makes me more fat etc etc etc etc etc



So have been a bit productive today and rung the gym about starting up my membership again, so i just need to pop in at some point and get it sorted, will aim for at least once a week, with hopefully being able to go at least twice, need to get the tape measure out too and measure all the lumpy bits too so i can see them shrink, watch this space........................................