Last Post of 2009

and its a whingy one ( quelle surprise!!)

I've run out of steam, i've hit rock bottom, and I dont know what to do to put it all right and make Saz happy again - my blood sugars are high, they havent been under 8 before or after food for nearly a week now :0(

I'm so fucking stupid, i forgot what we were playing at bingo today and actually forgot to shout when a line came up and I missed out on £10.00 - It took me all my strength not to cry.

I feel so down and worthless - I really cant see the point anymore ( and before anyone starts panicking i'm not about to do anything silly!) I feel like the shitest mother ever - I am struggling with Harry and his behaviour, I spend all my days shouting at him, I get so wound up I cant calm down, I dont have time to do my college work, I have 600-700 words left on a fucking essay about enzymes - i'm actually sat here dithering whether I should spend NYE ironing or essay writing - I dont even know why I am contemplating Uni, I am seriously considering pulling my application. I have the application for the operating department practice and I really dont think I will send it off, I really dont think I could handle the rejection

I cant tell Stew how i'm feeling I dont want to burden him, I just want to curl up in a little ball and cry, I feel so under pressure and I dont know how to relieve it, I'm sick of pretending - I need to grow a pair man up and learn to say NO!!!!
So I will write here what I cant say out loud:

1) I dont want to go to church anymore - I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD! I believe that Jesus existed and he set an example of how to love and not to judge and for that he should be revered. I believe in Mediums and spiritulists and I think the Unitarians have got it pretty spot on.

2) I'm struggling with Harry, god I love him, but someone please help me, one of these days I'm either going to tell him to fuck off or I will swing for him.

3) I dont want to volunteer, I havent got the fucking time, but to prove to someone at uni that i'm an all round good egg, and worthy of a place I need to give up time I havent got ( and before anyone calls me on this, I'm drowning here, i need to catch my breathe and cant)

4) I feel I should be working - I'm sick of having no money, its all on tick or *borrowed* from the kids money boxes.

5) i'm a fat fucker - diets dont work and I need to exercise, but please see No. 3 re lack of time.

I feel so guilty about everything - feel guilty that stew is having to earn all the money, and pick up the slack when i'm at college / doing homework. Feel guilty that i'm a horrid shouty mum to the kids - Abbie sounds like me sometimes when she is shouting at Harry and it makes me feel so bad. Not sure how I will get them through their childhood without totally fucking them up.