weeeeellllllll last night didnt quite go as planned. Plan was to invite mum and dad over for a chinese takeaway and then go see Lee Mack. What actually happened was came home with the chinky, the kids insisted on carrying a bag each, which Harry promptly dropped on the floor, didnt think much damage had been done at first until I came to dish up and lids have come off, mum was saying that it doesnt matter and I said it did and Stew told me to Shut up about it, so I shouted at him, in front of my parents and the kids, to fuck off (not my finest moment)and stomped off, all I could think about was the cost of the food and how a nice gesture had been ruined.
So after slamming everything I could find (doors and baby gates) I sat down and cried and then I had my lightbulb moment - MONEY - the way I have been feeling and all my worries come down to money and the lack of.
I have always worked, even after I had Harry I worked admittidely ONLY 11 hours a week but it was work, I had my own money and I was contributing to the family pot - now i'm not, I have my child benefit and my adult learning grant and I am constantly overdrawn, and I am no longer finanically independent and I dont like it - it makes me feel worthless and useless. Stew is bloody fab, if I asked him for money he would give it to me, BUT I dont like asking - he is the sole wage earner and works hard for it, he pays all the bills. I dont see why he should support me as well.
I hate the house we are in - I have never liked it, the house we wanted fell through when we were going to sign for it and in a panic we bought this one, I want to move, even more so now with having Phoebe, we need more room - there is clutter and junk everywhere I look - how can I have a calm mind in an cluttered environment???
I think that is what was behind the drive to go to uni! not to get a career but to get a good job so I can earn good money and then we can move.
Every where I look any solution has a monetary complication - If I defer for a year and work then any of my earnings will be taken in to consideration and then I will get less bursary once I go to uni. If I go out to work, we will get less tax credits and as mercenary as it sounds we rely on them to pay the mortgage - which is why uni is looking a good option, but all my bursary will go on childcare, so then i'm left with trying to pay for books, transport etc. Money truly is the root of all evil.
I want to feel valuable and worthy again - at the moment I feel like a trapped sponger and I dont like it one little bit! I want to be able to buy my kids nice things, take them places without having to go into my overdraft and then be skint again - I wanted to buy Stew the type watch he wanted for his birthday, but I couldnt - I bought the best one I could afford - which he likes - I know I dont have to show him how much I love him with trinkets and stuff but I would like to be able to spoil him once in a while. He did say if i'm going to uni he will buy me a laptop for my birthday, how can a £40.00 watch compare to a £400.00 laptop???
I know this is all about me, and I know I probably sound like a right bitch - I dont think I can face another 3 years of struggling while i'm at uni.
The upside is now I know whats bothering me, i can hopefully start to work on sorting it out.
The evening didnt end all bad, Lee Mack was hilarious and a comedy LEGEND!!!!!!
1 comment:
Sazzle!!!!!! You have to learn to let those feelings about money go - I mean the stuff about not contributing, and about Stew being the breadwinner, blah, blah, blah. Saz, I've not earned a penny for nearly seven years now, and at times I really hate that too - especially when I have to ask for some money - but dwelling on it is poisonous. You're right, money is the root of all evil, but it truly does not matter who 'earns' it. As far as I'm concerned, Kev and I both earn his money, LOL! I earn it by being the one to raise our boys - it's one of the hardest jobs in the world, as you well know, and we do it FOR FREE! But that doesn't mean that we are worth less because we don't bring in any cash. I'm constantly in my overdraft too (I was actually out of it for about a fortnight at one point last year - woohoo!) - but there's very little I can do about it, so that's just how it has to be for now.
You're a super, super mum, and that's what is most important - you have earned a £400 laptop honey-pie, by being the one to care for the kiddies, and it doesn't matter that you couldn't afford the watch you wanted to get for Stew. One day you will be able to treat yourselves to whatever you like, and it will be blissful. But like you say, trinkets and stuff are not important - it's about spending good time together, that's worth much more.
I'd probably have gone ape about the Chinese too :D Sometimes you just can't do a thing about outbursts like that, and the best thing to do is just have a cry. I usually go mental at the kids for spilling juice, because I get so fed up of mopping it up all the time - no-one is completely calm and unflustered all the time, not even me!
Lx.
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