The Penny hath dropped!

Today I am shattered - due to little miss squark, I ended up squished in a Ikea toddler bed for 3 hours till she was calm enough for me to leave her - I am tired BUT it did make me reflect a lot on me and mine.

{epiphany alert}

My biggest strength is also my most major character flaw - I am an enabler, I seek to help - do what ever I can to make people happy, as it makes me happy (except it doesn't!). Sometimes I get myself in to the most awful pickles simply because I dont want to say no to someone as I *may* upset them, and when I do say no - this theory is usually proved correct, on Saturday I made Abbie cry because I wouldnt play monopoly with her, in my defence I did offer Guess Who and /or Connect 4 but no they weren't good enough, So after much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, Grandma and Grandad are playing it with her, I can hear the joy in her voice floating through from the kitchen, as I am sat in the living room with my worst mother ever hat, sash and badge ensemble. Now I feel utterly shite.

Enough rambling I hear you cry! get to the point! - My epiphany, I realised that I have been like this since I left school, since I picked up my GCSE's results and tearfully had to tell my parents I had 6 D's and 2 E's not the expected B's and C's my teachers had predicted, I tried my hardest, I know I did but that didn't stop me feeling like I had disappointed them and failed miserably, so from then on - I appear to have been a one woman mission to make people happy and not disappoint them, but at what cost?? it needs to stop and it needs to stop now, if people are disappointed with me or any of my doings TOUGH!!! deal with it, dont get me wrong, I'm not going to be horrid, its not in my nature - but if someone thinks *ah tis okay Saz will do it* they might get a bit of a shock, and I will no longer be thinking up elaborate excuses as to why, it will be I simply dont want to!!!

Right a change of tack - Now for the cheery bit (honest gov - bear with me!)
Due to the unbelievably stupid amount of pressure I have always put myself under - I have always been a terrible serious person, always looking at risks Blah Blah Blah.

Last night I went with my utterly lovely friend Linda to watch Eclipse, and I came out all giggly and silly - and felt like a teen again and then given the ages of the characters in the film I felt like a right Cougar ( but hopefully not in the Barb sense of the word!) *blush* but then I realised the older I am getting, the younger I am feeling!( not quite Benjamin Button but you know what I mean!) I dont know if this is down to confidence or what - but Linda and I were not acting at all appropriately for a couple of mummies in their 30's ( Early for Linda grrr, Late for me grrr). but I can go out now and have fun, not all that *will I wont I meet some one* chuff that dominated my early - mid 20's (until I met Stewbert!), I can see that Linda will become a firm film buddy - I already have her lined up for Harry Potter later this year and are planning a wine and DVD night when Eclipse is released :0)

So tonight Matthew I am going to be ................................................... Thankful for good friends, great company, Edward Cullen, Stephanie Meyer ( and her hypnotic writing), epiphanies and not being to old to say ah fuck it!