on so many levels really.
1) why havent I blogged in so long??? its all milling about in my head, where quite frankly its not doing me any good.
2) I am self harming - I have been feeling unwell for a while, I put it down reducing my thyroid meds, and it is partly that, the main reason is my blood sugars are high, I actually fell asleep for an hour this morning, thanking all the deities that abbie was off otherwise Phoebe would have been on her own, I literally could not keep my eyes open, so i've been tracking my blood sugars today and they are high. I need to get a grip. I am so angry with myself, I was choc free for over 4 months and now i'm stuffing it down my craw like some one is going to take it off me.
Today has frightened me if i'm honest, If I dont take this seriously I could lose my sight or my limbs at best or my life at worse case scenario.
I dont know why I over eat or eat the wrong stuff, it just hits the spot I suppose, it makes me feel better till the self loathing kicks in. I was talking to a lovely lovely goddess friend of mine and she cant understand how I look in the mirror and not like what I see, I see a fat bloke looking back at me - I know this sounds stupid but i've had people telling me that I look butch and i've had people tell me that they thought I was a lesbian, so I must look really manly, i'm not a delicate flower by any stretch of the imagination - but some times I struggle to see what Stew sees in me.
So from here on, I need to start taking better care of myself, I at least owe stew and the kids that
2 comments:
You owe YOURSELF that girl! btw, you are a strong, beautiful, lovely, sweet woman. You need to take care of yourself, not just for them, but for you. Try to find yourself some sugarfree choc if that's part of your weakness. It's not the same, but it will help. Try to keep the big picture in mind. A healthy happy Saz.
You do NOT look like a lesbian, and by the way, you don't have to be butch to be one ;) (I know, I'm comfortably sitting on the fence, it's a good place, I have a butt grove).
Besides the point, Saz, I can see what Stewie sees in you! You're amazing. I only wish we were closer so I could bask in your greatness. Me love you long time. *MWAH*
Awh Thanks Sa, you've made me cry (in a good way)love you too X
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