(Thank you Mr E Presley)
What a bloody week!!!!
Its been a few days since I blogged, I started typing one the other day and had to delete it, as it was basically what I thought when I first clapped eyes on the kids after they had exited stage left *coughs*Ahem*coughs* and it made me realise how horribly depressed I was during my pregnancy with Harry. I'm feeling a bit more balanced today and a bit braver - The blog should have read something along the lines of
Abigail Elizabeth @ 10.02 Thursday 5/12/02 - Oh my god! she has a giant purple head I really hope that goes!!
Harry Stewart @18.00 Wednesday 2/2/05 - Get it away from me.
Phoebe Kate @04.40 Tuesday 16/9/08 - Thank f*ck I dont have to do that again!!!!
So i'm not exactly what you call maternal, maybe I am just a bit harsh with it, well maybe i'm not I dunno.
Tuesday was interesting, I was all pumped up with walking to nursery and colleg, but by lunch time the brain deadedness has struck big time , so I managed not to fall asleep in Bio and managed to get Phoebe from Nursery and get us both home, so i wasn't doing too badly!
Wednesday was great until about 2.30 - Maths I just about coped with and I had a toolkit tutorial with Shelia and I have completed my toolkit folder and have gained 3 credits :0) I decided to head to the learning resource centre as the library is usually full of noisy kids, but nay all the noisy little f*ckers where in the the LRC instead, bumping into you, bashing your chair, and some of the cheeky blighters where trying to guess if i was a man or a woman - talk about hitting a raw nerve, with my stunningly bad self image in which I think I dont look particulary feminine - this was probably the worse thing I could have heard EVER!!!! my girlieness took another bashing when I broke a chuffing nail putting Pheebz in her wheel at nursery, so now I have 9 lovely polished nails and one raggy crap one! and to add insult to injury, I have hurt my neck and should with my giantic college bag!
I will admit thoughWednesday did pick up a bit - when at 17.00 i got an email from UCAS saying there had been a change in my status and when i checked I have only got an offer to study Radiography!!!!! Gobsmacked wasnt in it, I think I finally stopped shaking just before I went to bed. Even now I still can't quite believe it!
feeling very tired and waffy to be honest and I dont know why - The smell of deep heat is making me feel sick, and its not giving me much relief, but the pain is now going up into my head and down my arm - I think an early night may be in order!
Thursday, 25 March 2010
Monday, 22 March 2010
Fake Saz
Sometimes I am my own worst enemy - I'm not a liar, I do worry about upsetting and offending people, so I keep little bits of me locked away, I'm like MI5 only more mumsy and neurotic. Somedays this doesnt bother me, Others it feels like i'm trapped and I want to be the real me and not give a stuff and let the locked stuff out, and then this little voice says that *dont do that, they wont like you anymore* I would hope that the people I worry about offending would know me well enough to over look it, but I just cant take the chance. If they fell out with me, cest le vie, but its the thought of upsetting them that bothers me.
Will I ever change, I hope so - I think it willl be the only way for me to be comfortable in my own skin and truly be me, and stop having to be secret squirrel in some areas of my life!
Will I ever change, I hope so - I think it willl be the only way for me to be comfortable in my own skin and truly be me, and stop having to be secret squirrel in some areas of my life!
Saturday, 20 March 2010
The secret diary of Sara Atkin aged 35 and 3/4
(The title for this blog was inspired by Lisa Corney-Hargreaves)
Hoe kay - The daily blogging hasnt quite gone to plan, either lack of time or general blahness seems to have gotten in the way.
Its been a rollercoaster week at Chez Atkin - the car decided it fed up with life as a car and prompt broke, latest report for the garage is it's the head gasket thats gone and repair is estimately at £600.00
Pheebz and me both had a trip to the quacks on Monday, I warned Dr P that Phoebe doesnt like having her chest listened to and she may scream and she goes off like a car alarm, The little mare sat there as good as gold and let him listen, she is currently on Anti b's for a suspected chest infection. My diagnosis is Neurotic (reactive)Depression, There you go folks its official i'm neurotic, but I probably could have told you that any way!! Aparentely its just a class of depression and nothing to worry about, i've upped my happy pills to 2 a day and strangely enought I think they are working already!
Wednesday was a big day for me, I had my interview at UoC for the Radiography course, I think it went well, the interviewer said that I had interviewed will so now we wait and see, I had my nails done in the morning so I felt quite glam, and I had my most comfortable heels on ( not that bloody comfortable tho' as I had blisters on the soles of my feet) The bus station was a bloody long way away from St Martins and Busy Bees was a bloody long way away from the bus stop, I did have Lady Gaga on my Ipod, but the heels made me have a weird swishy Laydee walk, Catwalk Saz thats me!!
Harry warry woo has been at the fore front of this week as well - SALT appointment on Monday, he is being reffered for a hearing test and possibly a auditory processing test as well. Thursday we were back to longlands for a review and the upshot is they are going down the Aspergers route with Harry rather than a delay, I also spoke to the SALT again and he has strongly advised that H have support in school as he struggles with comprenhension and that could have a BIG knock on effect on his learning and his his ability to have a conversation - its like pulling teeth some times. I mentioned all this to his teacher at parents evening and she said that its just what she suspected and that she feels that harry will need support in school but maybe when he gets to yr2 - makes bloody change its usually we feel he doesnt need support, but then again she was in a room with just me and stew and maybe we looked like a pair of hired goons LOL
there is more to say but I need to rescue my rents from the woo so will finish this later
Hoe kay - The daily blogging hasnt quite gone to plan, either lack of time or general blahness seems to have gotten in the way.
Its been a rollercoaster week at Chez Atkin - the car decided it fed up with life as a car and prompt broke, latest report for the garage is it's the head gasket thats gone and repair is estimately at £600.00
Pheebz and me both had a trip to the quacks on Monday, I warned Dr P that Phoebe doesnt like having her chest listened to and she may scream and she goes off like a car alarm, The little mare sat there as good as gold and let him listen, she is currently on Anti b's for a suspected chest infection. My diagnosis is Neurotic (reactive)Depression, There you go folks its official i'm neurotic, but I probably could have told you that any way!! Aparentely its just a class of depression and nothing to worry about, i've upped my happy pills to 2 a day and strangely enought I think they are working already!
Wednesday was a big day for me, I had my interview at UoC for the Radiography course, I think it went well, the interviewer said that I had interviewed will so now we wait and see, I had my nails done in the morning so I felt quite glam, and I had my most comfortable heels on ( not that bloody comfortable tho' as I had blisters on the soles of my feet) The bus station was a bloody long way away from St Martins and Busy Bees was a bloody long way away from the bus stop, I did have Lady Gaga on my Ipod, but the heels made me have a weird swishy Laydee walk, Catwalk Saz thats me!!
Harry warry woo has been at the fore front of this week as well - SALT appointment on Monday, he is being reffered for a hearing test and possibly a auditory processing test as well. Thursday we were back to longlands for a review and the upshot is they are going down the Aspergers route with Harry rather than a delay, I also spoke to the SALT again and he has strongly advised that H have support in school as he struggles with comprenhension and that could have a BIG knock on effect on his learning and his his ability to have a conversation - its like pulling teeth some times. I mentioned all this to his teacher at parents evening and she said that its just what she suspected and that she feels that harry will need support in school but maybe when he gets to yr2 - makes bloody change its usually we feel he doesnt need support, but then again she was in a room with just me and stew and maybe we looked like a pair of hired goons LOL
there is more to say but I need to rescue my rents from the woo so will finish this later
Thursday, 18 March 2010
lots to say
but now is not the time, my bed is beckoning and i'm feeling a tad iffy so i'm going to sleep it off! night peeps X
Friday, 12 March 2010
Bringing it home
Having Phoebe really brought home to me how quirky Harry is - I have tried so hard not to compare any of my loin fruits, but some times it just runs up and smacks you really hard in the face. This morning was one of those times.
Phoebe had put her shoes and her coat on the couch and I asked her to bring them to me, so one by one - shoe, coat, shoe - Pheebz is 18 months old.
Harry brought his coat and shoes through and chucked them on the floor, one shoe on and then he couldnt find the other one, he was twirlling round like a dervish looking for it (think dog chasing tail) it was next to him and I had to point it out to him.
Longlands and Speech and Language assessments, not expecting miracles, but a little bit of sunshine would be nice
Phoebe had put her shoes and her coat on the couch and I asked her to bring them to me, so one by one - shoe, coat, shoe - Pheebz is 18 months old.
Harry brought his coat and shoes through and chucked them on the floor, one shoe on and then he couldnt find the other one, he was twirlling round like a dervish looking for it (think dog chasing tail) it was next to him and I had to point it out to him.
Longlands and Speech and Language assessments, not expecting miracles, but a little bit of sunshine would be nice
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Blue is the colour
( thank you Beautiful South)
Due to our house only having a downstairs bathroom and having 2 piddly kids - the decision was taken by me a looooong time ago to buy a portapotti in case of night time piddle emergencies.
Yesterday it was on red - meaning empty me empty me NOW!!! but with being at college it didnt happen, so it was on thursdays to do list right at the top. So I gets up this morning absolutely busting for a wee - now then russian roulette ........ do I chance making a dash downstairs with full to bursting bladder and risk the envitable if I cough or sneeze (please do your pelvic floors after child birth it will make your life so much easier!) or to risk that the portaporti is JUST on red and can therefore squeeze another wee in? I SHOULD have taken the dash and sneeze chance as the option I took wasnt brilliant, watching a river of blue chemicals and pee surging across the bedroom carpet is not what you want to see at 7.03am
moral of the story if you dont want to see blue - dont pee on red!!
bloody hope this day gets better!
Due to our house only having a downstairs bathroom and having 2 piddly kids - the decision was taken by me a looooong time ago to buy a portapotti in case of night time piddle emergencies.
Yesterday it was on red - meaning empty me empty me NOW!!! but with being at college it didnt happen, so it was on thursdays to do list right at the top. So I gets up this morning absolutely busting for a wee - now then russian roulette ........ do I chance making a dash downstairs with full to bursting bladder and risk the envitable if I cough or sneeze (please do your pelvic floors after child birth it will make your life so much easier!) or to risk that the portaporti is JUST on red and can therefore squeeze another wee in? I SHOULD have taken the dash and sneeze chance as the option I took wasnt brilliant, watching a river of blue chemicals and pee surging across the bedroom carpet is not what you want to see at 7.03am
moral of the story if you dont want to see blue - dont pee on red!!
bloody hope this day gets better!
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Equally blessed and cursed
(thank you to catatonia for the title)
I am so blessed for my friends, more so today than ever - Today has been horrid, I have felt utterly utterly lost, and I did something I never do, I cried in public, I cried in Maths, I cried at dinnertime and I cried in toolkit. I'm just so tired and confused over what to do, and 2 seriously hard days and a hefty dose of unconfidence really hasnt helped.
I shouldnt really be blogging I should be getting my arse in gear and doing my maths project but I am really fighting the urge to o to the shop for some wine.
Highlight of the day was the look on the teen chavettes at college when saying bye to Debbie after a heart to heart and having a hug and a *mwah* they looked like they were going to pass out LOL
I am so blessed for my friends, more so today than ever - Today has been horrid, I have felt utterly utterly lost, and I did something I never do, I cried in public, I cried in Maths, I cried at dinnertime and I cried in toolkit. I'm just so tired and confused over what to do, and 2 seriously hard days and a hefty dose of unconfidence really hasnt helped.
I shouldnt really be blogging I should be getting my arse in gear and doing my maths project but I am really fighting the urge to o to the shop for some wine.
Highlight of the day was the look on the teen chavettes at college when saying bye to Debbie after a heart to heart and having a hug and a *mwah* they looked like they were going to pass out LOL
Monday, 8 March 2010
Sunday, 7 March 2010
implode!! and lightbulb
weeeeellllllll last night didnt quite go as planned. Plan was to invite mum and dad over for a chinese takeaway and then go see Lee Mack. What actually happened was came home with the chinky, the kids insisted on carrying a bag each, which Harry promptly dropped on the floor, didnt think much damage had been done at first until I came to dish up and lids have come off, mum was saying that it doesnt matter and I said it did and Stew told me to Shut up about it, so I shouted at him, in front of my parents and the kids, to fuck off (not my finest moment)and stomped off, all I could think about was the cost of the food and how a nice gesture had been ruined.
So after slamming everything I could find (doors and baby gates) I sat down and cried and then I had my lightbulb moment - MONEY - the way I have been feeling and all my worries come down to money and the lack of.
I have always worked, even after I had Harry I worked admittidely ONLY 11 hours a week but it was work, I had my own money and I was contributing to the family pot - now i'm not, I have my child benefit and my adult learning grant and I am constantly overdrawn, and I am no longer finanically independent and I dont like it - it makes me feel worthless and useless. Stew is bloody fab, if I asked him for money he would give it to me, BUT I dont like asking - he is the sole wage earner and works hard for it, he pays all the bills. I dont see why he should support me as well.
I hate the house we are in - I have never liked it, the house we wanted fell through when we were going to sign for it and in a panic we bought this one, I want to move, even more so now with having Phoebe, we need more room - there is clutter and junk everywhere I look - how can I have a calm mind in an cluttered environment???
I think that is what was behind the drive to go to uni! not to get a career but to get a good job so I can earn good money and then we can move.
Every where I look any solution has a monetary complication - If I defer for a year and work then any of my earnings will be taken in to consideration and then I will get less bursary once I go to uni. If I go out to work, we will get less tax credits and as mercenary as it sounds we rely on them to pay the mortgage - which is why uni is looking a good option, but all my bursary will go on childcare, so then i'm left with trying to pay for books, transport etc. Money truly is the root of all evil.
I want to feel valuable and worthy again - at the moment I feel like a trapped sponger and I dont like it one little bit! I want to be able to buy my kids nice things, take them places without having to go into my overdraft and then be skint again - I wanted to buy Stew the type watch he wanted for his birthday, but I couldnt - I bought the best one I could afford - which he likes - I know I dont have to show him how much I love him with trinkets and stuff but I would like to be able to spoil him once in a while. He did say if i'm going to uni he will buy me a laptop for my birthday, how can a £40.00 watch compare to a £400.00 laptop???
I know this is all about me, and I know I probably sound like a right bitch - I dont think I can face another 3 years of struggling while i'm at uni.
The upside is now I know whats bothering me, i can hopefully start to work on sorting it out.
The evening didnt end all bad, Lee Mack was hilarious and a comedy LEGEND!!!!!!
So after slamming everything I could find (doors and baby gates) I sat down and cried and then I had my lightbulb moment - MONEY - the way I have been feeling and all my worries come down to money and the lack of.
I have always worked, even after I had Harry I worked admittidely ONLY 11 hours a week but it was work, I had my own money and I was contributing to the family pot - now i'm not, I have my child benefit and my adult learning grant and I am constantly overdrawn, and I am no longer finanically independent and I dont like it - it makes me feel worthless and useless. Stew is bloody fab, if I asked him for money he would give it to me, BUT I dont like asking - he is the sole wage earner and works hard for it, he pays all the bills. I dont see why he should support me as well.
I hate the house we are in - I have never liked it, the house we wanted fell through when we were going to sign for it and in a panic we bought this one, I want to move, even more so now with having Phoebe, we need more room - there is clutter and junk everywhere I look - how can I have a calm mind in an cluttered environment???
I think that is what was behind the drive to go to uni! not to get a career but to get a good job so I can earn good money and then we can move.
Every where I look any solution has a monetary complication - If I defer for a year and work then any of my earnings will be taken in to consideration and then I will get less bursary once I go to uni. If I go out to work, we will get less tax credits and as mercenary as it sounds we rely on them to pay the mortgage - which is why uni is looking a good option, but all my bursary will go on childcare, so then i'm left with trying to pay for books, transport etc. Money truly is the root of all evil.
I want to feel valuable and worthy again - at the moment I feel like a trapped sponger and I dont like it one little bit! I want to be able to buy my kids nice things, take them places without having to go into my overdraft and then be skint again - I wanted to buy Stew the type watch he wanted for his birthday, but I couldnt - I bought the best one I could afford - which he likes - I know I dont have to show him how much I love him with trinkets and stuff but I would like to be able to spoil him once in a while. He did say if i'm going to uni he will buy me a laptop for my birthday, how can a £40.00 watch compare to a £400.00 laptop???
I know this is all about me, and I know I probably sound like a right bitch - I dont think I can face another 3 years of struggling while i'm at uni.
The upside is now I know whats bothering me, i can hopefully start to work on sorting it out.
The evening didnt end all bad, Lee Mack was hilarious and a comedy LEGEND!!!!!!
Friday, 5 March 2010
My name is Sara and i'm mentally ill
There you go, i've just broken the biggest taboo, it is okay to have a visible physical illness but not a mental one. Depression is a horrid illness - one I fear I may never be free of - not even sure how to manage it, I dont know if I need to up my happy pills or if its my diabetes, all I know is i'm not enjoying life at the moment, everything is a hurdle, sometimes the hurdle can look as big as a mountain.
We are going to see Lee Mack tomorrow, Stew bought me the tickets back in July for my birthday, and I wont believe we are going until I step out of the door, I just know my luck someone will start puking tonight and we wont be able to go.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I want the noise in my head to stop, I want to feel at ease and at peace with myself, I want the joy back in my life, I want to enjoy every moment. I dont want to be feeling sad, guilty, stress and angry anymore.
I want to be Tigger and not Eeyore
We are going to see Lee Mack tomorrow, Stew bought me the tickets back in July for my birthday, and I wont believe we are going until I step out of the door, I just know my luck someone will start puking tonight and we wont be able to go.
I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I want the noise in my head to stop, I want to feel at ease and at peace with myself, I want the joy back in my life, I want to enjoy every moment. I dont want to be feeling sad, guilty, stress and angry anymore.
I want to be Tigger and not Eeyore
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Oh Bugger
Thinking is not good for me AT ALL!!!!!
Originally, and peeps can back me up on this, my absolute dream job was a midwife BUT some where along the line I thought that I would A) never be able to get on the course and B) the hours wouldnt be so child friendly - I thought ante natal ultrasound would be the next best thing.
After spending time in the radiology department - I decided that I would love to do MRI instead as it absolutely blew me away. I have been rather flumoxxed over whether uni is for me, to defer a year or wait a while longer till Pheebster start schools. Now I am wondering if I am going to go to uni I need to go and do something that I would absolutely truly love.
Can someone please tell my brain to stop thinking! its driving me crazy :0(
Originally, and peeps can back me up on this, my absolute dream job was a midwife BUT some where along the line I thought that I would A) never be able to get on the course and B) the hours wouldnt be so child friendly - I thought ante natal ultrasound would be the next best thing.
After spending time in the radiology department - I decided that I would love to do MRI instead as it absolutely blew me away. I have been rather flumoxxed over whether uni is for me, to defer a year or wait a while longer till Pheebster start schools. Now I am wondering if I am going to go to uni I need to go and do something that I would absolutely truly love.
Can someone please tell my brain to stop thinking! its driving me crazy :0(
Time slips away
GRRRRRRRRR its been a week since my last blog - I think I need more hours in the day and more days in the week.
Not much to report really - I am still tying myself up in knots over what the future holds and my lack of control over it, I've had a good chat with Stew and i've recieved loads of good sound advice from peeps, but I still dont know what to do. I need to stop, breathe and go back to basics, everything is whizzing round my head at a hundred miles a mile and nothing is making sense. I need to chill and take time for myself, but where and how???? I know the answer doesnt lie in a chocolate bar or a glass of wine so why am I taking solace in them??? I just end up putting more weight on and get more self loathing - tis a vicious circle and one I would quite like to break!
Not much to report really - I am still tying myself up in knots over what the future holds and my lack of control over it, I've had a good chat with Stew and i've recieved loads of good sound advice from peeps, but I still dont know what to do. I need to stop, breathe and go back to basics, everything is whizzing round my head at a hundred miles a mile and nothing is making sense. I need to chill and take time for myself, but where and how???? I know the answer doesnt lie in a chocolate bar or a glass of wine so why am I taking solace in them??? I just end up putting more weight on and get more self loathing - tis a vicious circle and one I would quite like to break!
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