My children are hilarious

This is my absolutely most favourite tune at the moment - I'm a bit of a raver at heart



On my way into town this morning, this came on Radio One. I will admit I emitted a bit of a girlie shriek and shouted "WOOOOT C'mon Pheebz lets go raving" I turned round to look at her and she was WAVING at me, she is so sodding adorable she floors me.

Last week Abbie asked if we could get a pet, I said "No we dont need one, we have your Dad, he needs lots of looking after." She looked thoughtful and then quipped, "But he doesn't swim and he can't lick himself!" I laughed so hard it hurt!! Seriously I think my kids are trying to kill me.

Abbie was writing a story "Muuuuummmm how do you spelt *avingnu*??" I couldnt work out what the blue she was on about, and she was quite insistent that it was this word - turns out she meant *Haven't you* Bless her.

I love my kids and i'm not laughing at them honestly. I'm totally laughing with them

Not an Alpha Mum

Nope, not now not ever!!

Abbie brought home a recipe and cookie cutter from school - Please bake these, sell this and what you dont sell bring into school. so plan was I bake them and Abbie decorates them. A fairly simple fool proof ( Saz-proof) plan.

The Recipe - Pudsey Bear biscuits
serves 24!

7oz self raising flour - check
1oz cocoa powder - dont have, its pouring down, not going out - shouldnt be a problem its only an ounce!
4oz caster sugar - check
4oz margerine - check
1 medium egg beaten - check

various thingys for decorating.

1. Heat oven to  180c  / 350 f / gas mark 4
2. Mix flour, cocoa, sugar, rub in the marge
3. Add enough egg to make a stiff dough
4. Roll out 1/4 inch thick, use bear cutter, place on greased baking tray and bake for 15 minutes.

This will earn me lots of mummy points, my children will adore me, School will thank me, Abbie will gain the respect of all her peers and be uber cool.

Baking take one

Follow all instructions - except chuck all the egg in, wonder why it all running and not rollable, decide to save the day by shoving it in bun cases, bung in oven for 15 minutes actually end up in there for closer to 30!


Baking take two,

Follow ALL the instructions especially with reference to the amount of Egg used

Still cant understand why its so sticky, but not as sticky as take one!!

give up trying to roll it out as its sticking to the rolling pin, resort to flattening it by hand. Use the cookie cutter to produce 8 yes 8!! horrifically mangled bears ( no way I could get 24 of the buggers out of the bloody dough)

Exhbits A - G

So I have 8 bears type things and some biscuity bun type creatures, I fail epically!!! if anyone asks, Abbie made them from scratch by her self  - thats my excuse and i'm sticking to it!

Remember when I said watch this space?

http://sazzleswitterings.blogspot.com/2010/10/fan-fic.html

Well I have been a busy bee!!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6448597/1/Beautiful_Stranger

I am really enjoying writing, I have the love and support of my Beta, Janine AKA Sweetlovincullen and my lovely friends Linda, Natasha and Lucy. All in all so far I have had good reviews for what I have written and boy oh boy do I get giddy when I read my reviews - Thank you all for your kind words you have all made Saz a very happy girlie.

The inspiration for Beautiful Stranger came in the form of Bad Mother's Handbook. Edward in the Twilight films is very confident and not afraid to be out there. Bella is the dorky, less confident one. So I wondered what it would be like if I mixed things up a bit and had a Dorky Edward and a Ballsy Bella.

This the Edward in my story

I Flove Daniel Gale - he is adorkable and makes me want to do this

 Cuddle or Corrupt that is the question??

Hopefully by the time my story ends Galeward will look like this

 

or this

A girl can dream can't she!!!

I also found on my picture trawl this

 ooooooo this was a toughy but in the end I decided
Do - Tyler
Dump - Art ( Sorry Art, I love you really )
Marry - Daniel

Like I said a girl can dream can't she!!

Its my Daddy's birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD!!!!!

My old man is 60 today and he doesn't really want a fuss ( didnt say anything about a birthday blog though did he!!)

Dad and Abbie

This is El Pedro at Craigy's wedding  - absolutely rocking Jim's Stetson! Thats what I should have got him for his birthday *Facepalm*

I am 36 and i'm not ashamed to say I am a daddys girl and also I'm not ashamed to say just how much I love my Dad, which is a bloody lot ( both my parents in fact)

My Dad is cool - very open minded about trying new stuff, you should see his CD collection its far trendier than mine (Jealous much?). I have been to see Billy Connelly with him -  he was laughing that hard I thought he was going to die (Breathe Dad Breathe)!! we have been to Blackburn Rovers matches, Been to see Rammestein and the Foo Fighters.

Now I get to see him having fun with my kids - I can watch them for ages - if mummy or nana says no, go ask grandad he will always say yes!

Have a wonderful day Dad, see you later for your prezzies and kisses from the kids ( headbutts from Pheebz)

Love you lots you silly old sod!

Alright enough all ready

I have had e-fucking-nough, its all bollocks the whole damn lot of it so far in the past 36 hours

• Phoebe face planted in the garden
• Phoebe managed to up end her pushchair and went flying
• Phoebe managed to fall off the couch twice
• Harry wee'd on his bedroom floor
• Abbie had histronics writing my Dad's birthday card after making a mistake after I told her to be careful
• Harry fell on the school run and nearly skittled Abbie
• Phoebe was up at the crack of dawn
• Phoebe has managed to twat her head on a cupboard
• I managed to push the pram through a ginormous mound of dog shit (CLEAN IT UP YOU LAZY FUCKERS!)
• I got pissed wet through on the school run
• put your coats in the bathroom  was taken as dump your coats in the bath
• Phoebe has drawn all over Abigail's picture so now there is two of them screaming
• and no-one wants to do their fecking homework
• Abbie is now shouting at Harry so i've just shouted at her!

Tell you something if I had a valid passport and the money - I would be on a plane right about now

OOOOOOO what are those???

I've grown a pair!!! *looks dead proud*

I have sent off all relevent emails, made all relevent phone calls and typed all relevent letters.

I have withdrawn my place on the Radiography course and once that is all sorted, I am applying for Sexual Health Studies.

I have a good feeling about this, if I need to end the course early I will still get some form of certification - i'm working on my personal statement and I've hopefully sorted my references out too.

Watch this space

I'm slipping

I'm behind on my blog challenge so this is 1 of the 3 I owe.

Its actually harder to do than I originally thought. Blog everyday you say?? not a problem I say.

PFFT I know nowt! On days where there is plenty to do - time just runs away, I need more hours in the day. The extra one I got today wasn't enough - I need more, or failing that I need a clone 

My daughter is a poet and we all know it

My Eldest is a published author *puffs chest out with motherly pride* She has had an acrostic poem published, she is mad keen on writing these now and I want to share the one she wrote for me.

Monkey is what she calls Phoebe
Us lot make her shout
Many People are her friends
.
Loves Robert Pattinson
.
Always shouting
Twitting all the time
Knowing a lot
Incredible at telling us off
Naggy a lot.

My name isnt really Mum L Atkin - its Sara L Atkin, But what the hell  - i'm very proud of my Crabigail, and its scary how nothing escapes the notice of a nearly 8 year old

Good god I love her ( when i'm not shouting at her obviously!)

Stop looking at me!!

My Blog background keeps looking at me, its most off putting!!! Well not off putting just very distracting  - this is my 3rd attempt at this blog!

Am I going to change it? Hell no! get rid of the sex stares you must be joking!

The main reason for this post is I came across this clip the other day
http://www.thecelebritytruth.com/tom-cruises-les-grossman-preps-robert-pattinson-mtv-awards/0017235

Not only is he incredibly good looking he will also take the piss out of himself *sigh*

I find this a very attractive quality, the ability to make people laugh - I absolutely adore Eddie Izzard, Stephen Fry, Michael Palin and many many more. So guys here is something else to consider - a way to a womans heart might just be through her funny bone!

Progress

Today I rang UCAS to see what I need to do about applying for a different course.

Its surprisingly simple! I just need to ring UCUM and formally request that my place be withdrawn and then I re-register and then apply to UCLAN for the BSc (Hons) Sexual Health Studies.

I really am a giant fanny, I should so go with my gut rather than my head, as Inner Saz is a worrysome biatch and really needs to relax more.

I originally looked at the SHS course last year but because I had to self fund, I decided against it, and opted for Radiography instead. Now dont get me wrong - Radiography is fabulous and very very interesting and once qualified the hours would be very family friendly, but the Devil in me - is thinking Fuck it - do what is right for me.Then the biatch that is mummy guilt kicks in and Inner Saz starts chipping away at my resolve again.

*sigh* I really really need to grow a pair and start looking after me, So who wants to ring UCUM for me tomorrow? and who wants to ring my tutor Shelia and ask her for a reference, cos i'm scared

Slipping in just before midnight

I've literally just got into bed - when I realised I hadn't done my blog of the day (Bad Saz)

Those who are of faint heart do not worry I am clad head to foot in the finest polyester, so you need not worry about me blogging in the buff!

I have had a good mummy day today - a nice lazy start to the morning then off to safe play at Preston with the kids. My lovely fellow slummy Lucy organised it and it was mucho fun.
http://www.spcllp.co.uk/
The kids had a whale of a time and really let off some steam, but the best thing for me was being able to take them somewhere where they could let off steam and throughly enjoy themselves without reprisals from yummies. All of us there today has one member of the family who had an additional need - All of us have had some run in or comment made about our child or behaviour of. Its soul destroying, it really is. I hate taking the kids especially Harry to soft play places  - I shouldnt have to feel like that, I love my kids dearly, but I am a mum and my role is to protect my babies, so watch out yummies you comment on my kids and I might just have to comment on you. This is not my first run in with yummies - I give you exhibit A


http://sazzleswitterings.blogspot.com/2010/02/watch-out-yummies-slummy-mummy-coming.html

I'm hoping that we get to do something like this again, I can honestly say its the first time in a long time that I have truly enjoyed a trip out with my kids and that is really quite depressing. I really need to grow a pair and develope my fuck it attitude - wonder if they do courses like that at college????

In the meantime I have to confess that I have a crush on Anthony "blue" Wiggle - this wont be news to some, and to others it will cause shock and dismay! but I am totally owning my crush  - so deal with it LOL

Today

I went to Carlisle, the place of my birth, my home for the first 7 years of my life.

Mum, Me, Eldest, Middle and Small went to visit Shirley monster (My Gran). It was a short, sweet but very stressful. Middle decided to draw a ruddy great stick figure in brown wax crayon on Shirleys nice new cream carpet!!!!! Fuck sake that boy will be the death of me - now before you wield your harsh mummy stick - I need to say that my grandmother isnt the nicest human being on the planet ( put away the bad granddaughter stick too) She isnt the nice, cuddly doesnt matter if you make a mess kind of granny. She is the dont touch that, dont breath on my nik-naks, use a coaster kind of Granny. I dont actually remember the last time if ever she told me she loves me.

She is all for show and that hurts, I met a friend of hers today and she told me that she had heard a lot about me and the kids, I jokingly said "All good I hope!" "No" was my grans reply. There are loads of biddys in Carlisle that think our family are Satan spawn - we are not we are just keeping our distance from the mental and emotional hassle we get.

She is single handedly the reason why I never use the word Stupid in the same sentence as my children. I am her only grandaughter (the other 5 are boys) and I have told i'm stupid and fat on more than one occasion, she is a charmer isnt she!!

So lets just say i'm not as angry with Middle for drawing on the carpet as I should be!

Better late than never

Yesterday - I went to Uclan to their open day, and now i'm all fired up about sexual health studies.

I'm taking baby steps with this, I need to make phone calls and fire off emails, I'm excited about this but i'm not going to get all giddy until i know there is something to be giddy about.

Watch this space - I could be getting paid to say willy and fanny *giggles*

Spirits dont just come in glasses

I've just been to a charity psychic evening at the RLI with my lovely friend Samantha, and a good time was had by all. We didnt get a reading, but it matters not. Marilyn gave words of comfort and humour to people in the room that needed it most.

I know not what your beliefs are but I am a big believer in spirits (not just the alcoholic type). I have had a fair few readings with Marilyn and others and they have always told me things that NO-ONE outside of my family would know, and given that I originate from Carlisle, and now currently reside in Lancaster. This info cannot be common knowledge.

So here I state my beliefs - I believe in spirits and angels, I am what you would call a spiritualist but I have great respect for others beliefs and I love talking to others about their beliefs. So if you wanna know anything just ask.

Parents evening - blog spree day 3

Its that time of year again - to sit in tiny chairs and cluck over the spawns' school work.

Spawn 1 always interrigates us as to what we looked at and what we liked best, and what did the teacher say - our reply this year: He said you are horrible and you smell, and dad farted on your chair - she is mildly unimpressed with us and more so when I said that Dad had wee'd on your chair as well (We are truly horrid Parents)

Spawn 2 could not give a shite but is happy regardless.

Both of the spawn are doing well Spawn 1 needs her confidence building and Spawn 2 has been earmarked for ELS - a class based support programme to give him a bit of a boost, so watch this space as they say

tired

I've had a good day today, time on my own, time to catch up with lovely college peeps, some decisions made - not all and i've had my shakespear cherry popped. This was quite bewildering but also incredibly enjoyable. I want to write so much more but the lack of sleep because of the lodged not so happy pill is catching up with me

Love, light and blessing Peeps XXX

30 Day Challenge

My lovely lovely friend has challenged me to a blog for 30 days kinda thing - so this is me stepping up to the plate. I will apologise now, I cant guarentee quality, but here's hoping on the quantity!!


I did something I never ever do - I told Stew that he has upset me at some point earlier in the day - usual saz would bring this up in around 3 months time, so for me to broach it within 14 hours is a pretty big thing for me!!

Look at me guys - i'm growing :0)

Fan Fic!!!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!!!!

I have been dragged into the world of Fan Fic and I love it - these are some of my favourite ( in no particular order!)


http://kharizzmatik-ep.blogspot.com/2009/08/prologue.html - EPIC!!!



http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6113033/1/Unexpected_Love - this is my tweetie pie Janine - she has a big future ahead of her I love her writing it just draws you in! Janine you rock!! love you hun XXX


http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5072648/1/Edward_Wallbanger -  you want Sexy Edward! this one is guarenteed to ignite your pants!

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5853742/1/The_Cullen_Campaign - another pant igniter!

The first fan fic I ever read and i've read it a gazillion times!!!
http://twilightandliteracy.webs.com/ifirstdayofschool.htm


I've been inspired to write my own - its on paper and needs typing up....................but watch this space!! In the mean time have a look at these links the writings bloody fanfictastic!

I'm on a roll!!!! Breaking Dawn this time

400 days till the release of Breaking Dawn and I cant fecking wait!!

There is already a lot of expectation on this film, lots of peeps want to see the ins and outs of the honeymoon (So to Speak) I'm not sure I want to - hints of it will do me!!

I have pondered a lot how they will spilt it into 2 films, where will they stop it? In my head Renesmee is delivered Jacob has imprinted, you can hear Bella's heart racing and stop and then she opens her eyes - end of part one! Part two picks up with Bella getting used to her new life.


I have high hopes of this film and i'm so glad its the same scriptwriter!! I have a few ponders over the casting choices - they are all so hot and good looking! Garrett in my head is older gray hair with a beard, so is Alistair - more akin to Carlisle than to Edward, but I have every faith it will be a good film.

Moonlight swim Edward and feathers a plenty to look forward to in the mean while - hubba hubba!!!!

Oh bugger, i'm going to have to read all the books again now!

Pit 'o'despair

Once again I'm in it.

I would love just one week where everything I planned went to plan - but no! Not for Saz. I feel shite for moaning, there are people I know and love who are in far worse situations at the moment. There are people who I dont know who are in far worse situations than I am.

I feel like a failure ( yes I know i'm not before the whoopass starts) but thats how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could disapear and let Stew and the kids find someone who would be better for them.

I wish I could stop feeling Guilty - Guilty for not going to see Uncle Eric before he died, Guilty for what happened to the first baby, for not being able to breastfeed Abbie, for getting an infection that nearly killed me, for hating harry when i carried him, for being so fat I ended up with gestational diabetes and which more than likely caused his ASD and Pheebz VSD

Gestational diabetes

Diabetes in the mother during pregnancy is a significant risk factor for autism; a 2009 meta-analysis found that gestational diabetes was associated with a twofold increased risk. Although diabetes causes metabolic and hormonal abnormalities and oxidative stress, no biological mechanism is known for the association between gestational diabetes and autism risk.^[20]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Causes_of_autism
http://www.articlesbase.com/diseases-and-conditions-articles/the-infant-risk-factor-of-gestational-diabetes-693952.html

Guilty for not being able to breastfeed Phoebe, Guilty for all the shit I put my family throught with my depression, I feel guilty for taking time for myself - i'm a mum first and foremost

and I feel guilty for feeling guilty - I wish I knew how to stop it, my life would be a damn sight fucking easier!!

My thoughts on all beard related things

The boy is absolutely ruddy ovary twitching, knicker meltingly gorgeous! This lovely young man has knocked Hugh Jackman off the top of my celebs who I wish I could list, ( go on be honest everyone has a list like that - husbeasts includes Halle Berry and Kylie Minogue).

There is a lot of furore about his beard at the moment, Last night he was spotted clean shaven after weeks of hobo hotness, women everywhere are either dancing for joy or sobbing into their cornflakes. I am going to put my two penneth in.............................. as hot as hobo Robster is I prefer either clean shaven or stubbly Rob, but just because he has a beard you can hide a badger in doesnt mean you like him any the less. you could put the boy in a bin bag and he could still ignite panties at 20 paces!! everyone has their own favourite Rob look, if he turned up at your door asking for a snog and he had a beard would you honestly say no???? I bloody wouldn't! Those who like the badger look would you say no if he turned up clean shaven and begging you for a snog????? hhmmmm no I didnt think so.

At the end of the day his face, his beautiful, beautiful face *sigh*  his choice, what ever make him happy, we dont own him, we admire from a far, we lust, we tremble, we buy everything he has ever done so we can watch him any chance we get.

Now i'm oblivious to most things and this week a few, quite frankly epic rob blogs have closed because of the haters! seriously haters get a grip. I dont like Tom Cruise, but I dont hunt down blogs and harrass them, I pay him no heed, I have no interest in letting peeps know my opinion of him, unless I am asked, I dont think people who like him have mental issues, just different taste to me, and this brings me on to my final rant

Dating or not ( I think they are) what business is it of ours??? you can tell with some photos that they love each other, well good for them, yes we are all jealous that she gets the Rob loving experience that we all wish we could have, but she makes him happy and thats what we all want, Happy Rob = Happy Rob fans.

So those who hate her, seriously guys she makes him happy - look at her as your brothers/bff/sisters other half who you're not overly keen on but you know makes them happy, so cut them some slack! any way feel sorry a little bit for the poor lass, we get gorgeous red carpet Rob, she gets bleary eyed /fag/coffee breath first thing in the morning Rob, she gets pukey after too much drink Rob, She gets farty Rob, she gets bad mood Rob. So cut her some slack = Kristen has a fecking hawt boyf who we would sell our own children for just to sniff him , or is that just me? she doesnt need to be hated by people for having the bloody good fortune of being Rob's girlfriend - good luck to them I say!
Oh and one last thing - dont get offended but ladies we cant lament the lack of Rob/Robsten pics and support the anti-pap bill at the same time.

I will leave you with a few of my favourite Rob shots  - enjoy :0)

I really am a tit

on so many levels really.

1) why havent I blogged in so long??? its all milling about in my head, where quite frankly its not doing me any good.

2) I am self harming - I have been feeling unwell for a while, I put it down reducing my thyroid meds, and it is partly that, the main reason is my blood sugars are high, I actually fell asleep for an hour this morning, thanking all the deities that abbie was off otherwise Phoebe would have been on her own, I literally could not keep my eyes open, so i've been tracking my blood sugars today and they are high. I need to get a grip. I am so angry with myself, I was choc free for over 4 months and now i'm stuffing it down my craw like some one is going to take it off me.

Today has frightened me if i'm honest, If I dont take this seriously I could lose my sight or my limbs at best or my life at worse case scenario.

I dont know why I over eat or eat the wrong stuff, it just hits the spot I suppose, it makes me feel better till the self loathing kicks in. I was talking to a lovely lovely goddess friend of mine and she cant understand how I look in the mirror and not like what I see, I see a fat bloke looking back at me - I know this sounds stupid but i've had people telling me that I look butch and i've had people tell me that they thought I was a lesbian, so I must look really manly, i'm not a delicate flower by any stretch of the imagination - but some times I struggle to see what Stew sees in me.

So from here on, I need to start taking better care of myself, I at least owe stew and the kids that

Ponderings and general whiffle

I have been looking on line about Twilight and the associated stuff that goes along with it. Some of the reviews and hatred towards are a bit unfair I feel, I will say that the books are far far far better then the films, but on the flip side I think that the films are incredeibly well cast, and the characters and the actors that play them are very well matched.

I dont get the vitrol and bile spewed at the lead actors - they are doing a job people, haters get over it - if you dont like the films or the books dont look at them, if you dont like seeing them on your telly turn it over.

I like the books and films, its escapism for me - I feel all fluttery and girlie, and I love the concept of there being old fashioned notions in younger people, I was reading the paper yesterday at my mums houses, and there was a letter from a 13 yr old girl seeking advice on the whys and wherefores of sex with her 14 year old boyfriend, and being the panicky mother that I am, this quite frankly scared me that my daughters could have to face this.

I never had to deal with this when I was younger - being fat, ugly with frizzy hair and deidre barlow specs and being painfully painfully shy put pay to that, no one ever looked in my direction and if they did it was to take the piss.

This is another reason why I like the twilight books, it shows kids that sex isnt the be all and end all of life, that respecting your partner and wanting the best for them is the thing to do - and hopefully if someone as hot as Edward Cullen can abstain then maybe they should too.

I'm not saying dont wait until your married (that would be very hypocritical of me Abbie was born out of wedlock), just wait until you are sure its the right thing to do for you, respect yourself and others will too. If anyone pressures you then they dont have your best interests at heart.

On reflection I think I might feel better if I buy a castle with a turret so I can lock the kids in it till they are much older!

This is what I want to do today

Not the Shopping, Not squirting stuff up my sneck - the tantrum.

I want to scream and shout till I feel better ( like that is going to happen)

So far this morning, i've shouted at Abbie, rowed with Harry and Phoebe - dont get me started on her, umm lets see, painting the bathroom with the bog brush, running riot in the doctors, Screaming her head off if I tried to restrain her and than laughing in my face when I let her go - cue old bloke "one word from you and she does exactly what she wants" he then tutted and shook his head - grabbing at stuff in the spar, and then trying to get everything out of the kitchen cupboards when i got home.

The next person to say i've made a rod for my own back with her, will be severely beaten with said rod

restlessness

Have one been in the house one day and cabin fever has firmly set in :0(

Abbie has been poorly, not well enough to be at school - not quite poorly enough to be at home *sigh* I feel very trapped and frustrated, I was out and about for most of last week and weekend so its been a bit shock to be stuck in the house for a whole day. Atkin women all in one room, all day - together is really not a goo combination, Abbie whinging and Phoebe being very active and not sleeping when she should is really not good for my sanity.

So I have immersed myself in Twilight, Once Breaking Dawn is finished, i will turn my attentions to Alex Cross - and then I think it could be time for Harry Potter again before the film comes out in November.

I am enjoying reading again - reading because I want to not because I have to. I have learnt loads from my text books, but my imagination is enjoying been given free rein again - I still have the urge to write some fiction - but I feel silly, I have lots of ideas - but never write them down, and when i do pick up a pen and paper, i've forgotten. I am also a bit worried that if I start writing creatively then I will forget how to write academically. I know this sounds silly, but creative chatty writing has always been like second nature to me and I have worked so hard at 3rd person narrative that i'm scared I will lose it if I attempt anything other than that now. I still have all my essays to fell back on and i'm sure Uni will tell you how they want you to write as well.

I really need to learn to let go and just do what I feel, I think I need to let the heart rule the head for a while, I hope its just because of todays cabin fever, that i'm feel antsy and a little not in control, I'm on my way out of the deep dark hole I dwell in, i'm not in any urgent rush to get back to the bottom of it.

The Penny hath dropped!

Today I am shattered - due to little miss squark, I ended up squished in a Ikea toddler bed for 3 hours till she was calm enough for me to leave her - I am tired BUT it did make me reflect a lot on me and mine.

{epiphany alert}

My biggest strength is also my most major character flaw - I am an enabler, I seek to help - do what ever I can to make people happy, as it makes me happy (except it doesn't!). Sometimes I get myself in to the most awful pickles simply because I dont want to say no to someone as I *may* upset them, and when I do say no - this theory is usually proved correct, on Saturday I made Abbie cry because I wouldnt play monopoly with her, in my defence I did offer Guess Who and /or Connect 4 but no they weren't good enough, So after much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth, Grandma and Grandad are playing it with her, I can hear the joy in her voice floating through from the kitchen, as I am sat in the living room with my worst mother ever hat, sash and badge ensemble. Now I feel utterly shite.

Enough rambling I hear you cry! get to the point! - My epiphany, I realised that I have been like this since I left school, since I picked up my GCSE's results and tearfully had to tell my parents I had 6 D's and 2 E's not the expected B's and C's my teachers had predicted, I tried my hardest, I know I did but that didn't stop me feeling like I had disappointed them and failed miserably, so from then on - I appear to have been a one woman mission to make people happy and not disappoint them, but at what cost?? it needs to stop and it needs to stop now, if people are disappointed with me or any of my doings TOUGH!!! deal with it, dont get me wrong, I'm not going to be horrid, its not in my nature - but if someone thinks *ah tis okay Saz will do it* they might get a bit of a shock, and I will no longer be thinking up elaborate excuses as to why, it will be I simply dont want to!!!

Right a change of tack - Now for the cheery bit (honest gov - bear with me!)
Due to the unbelievably stupid amount of pressure I have always put myself under - I have always been a terrible serious person, always looking at risks Blah Blah Blah.

Last night I went with my utterly lovely friend Linda to watch Eclipse, and I came out all giggly and silly - and felt like a teen again and then given the ages of the characters in the film I felt like a right Cougar ( but hopefully not in the Barb sense of the word!) *blush* but then I realised the older I am getting, the younger I am feeling!( not quite Benjamin Button but you know what I mean!) I dont know if this is down to confidence or what - but Linda and I were not acting at all appropriately for a couple of mummies in their 30's ( Early for Linda grrr, Late for me grrr). but I can go out now and have fun, not all that *will I wont I meet some one* chuff that dominated my early - mid 20's (until I met Stewbert!), I can see that Linda will become a firm film buddy - I already have her lined up for Harry Potter later this year and are planning a wine and DVD night when Eclipse is released :0)

So tonight Matthew I am going to be ................................................... Thankful for good friends, great company, Edward Cullen, Stephanie Meyer ( and her hypnotic writing), epiphanies and not being to old to say ah fuck it!

Impending 36ness and BIG apologies

I've only been trying all week to blog, but things kept getting in the way!

Usually the few weeks preceeding my hatchday is usually some what of a gloomy affair - another year older ( not necessarily wiser!), another year of missed opportunity, procrastination and annoyance with myself, but not so this time round. Had a bit of an epiphany at the weekend - it was my cousins wedding do, and I was surrounded by family and for the first time in ages I felt truly relaxed and at peace ( it could have been the vast amount of Auntie Vivi's Bombay Sapphire gin that Auntie Jackie was pouring me that did it) I was sat with peeps that love me unconditionally and make me laugh (and also take the piss - i'm looking at you Geoffrey Swift!), I've not seen some of my family since Pheebz christening in May 2009, but we always just pick up where we left off, like we saw them only last week - its a most lovely way to be, Mi Casa Es Su Casa and all that jazz  :0)

This new found sense of peace and calm - has got me wondering if university is a good idea for me at all, I know college was pretty intense - 2 A levels and a GCSE in 9 months, but its only now i'm on the other side of it that I can see how bad I was - trying to spilt myself in 4 and be a good student, good mum, good current wife and good friend was just horrid, I felt like I was letting everyone down, not being able to give them my all, and it hurt me deeply - I will have to do the same in September 2011 BUT hopefully the stresses will be lessened with the kids being older, me being mentally better and the support I know I have, and believe me this time I will use it ( friends be warned and offers WILL be taken up on!)

Still trying to fight the money demons - I feel like I should really go get a job to make a contribution to the household pot and not be a sponge - but if I do, then I will really struggle money wise at uni - I just want to feel valuble and I want to be able to move.

and finally hugest and sincere apologies  to

• Linda R
• Jojo H
• Mel N
• Mel C
• Melissa B
• Lucy E
• Tracey W
• Mandy F
• Emma C
• Debbie W
• Dee W

Forgive me Ladies for I doubted your sanity in your twilight obsession  - BUT I hasten to add Cullen is my own personal brand of Heroin! OMG when it first come out it was like FGS bloody Rpatz - i'm still like that but would forgive him anything when he is Edward!! The Books are beautiful, the Films are beautiful  - WHY oh WHY did I wait so long to read them???? so far this week, I've read Twilight and New Moon, and am 3/4 of the way through Eclipse, I have watch Twilight twice and new moon once, and I have rushed out and bought all 4 books and both the films. I feel quite giggly and silly about it all but the books are just simply breathtaking and you just cannot put them down.

and on that note I will end saying "c'mon 36ness and 4 years till the big 40, i'm ready for you!!"

Following on

I have lots of people telling me how they are glad i'm back to my normal self, thats its good to see me smiling again, seriously people - how bad was I??  The student / mummy combination was bloody hard going, i'm figuring Uni should be easier, not from a work point of view but from a time management one, but the what if's have set in.

aah sod it, will just see what happens - I know the cap and gown are in my future, so will just enjoy the now and worry about the later - later :0)

Good grief I was horrible!!!!!

Yes, yes I was!!! how do people put up with me??? seriously????

Now college has finished I can see what a funk I was in with it all!!! Pressure, pah - I needed a cloning machine, or the ability to split myself in 4! I'm now really happy that I have deferred - the next 15 months are all about me and mine. The past 9 months have also shown me that I need to be more true to myself, I NEED to be happy, because if i'm not the whole family suffers, So I will probably still be my same old diplomatic self - but I will be saying NO a hell of a lot more and I wont apologise for it either.

This is where Saz gets happy!

Tis Done

After many an email and stressification, I have deferred so I now start on the 14th September 2011 - it just gives me time to get my head straight and see how I go, so it gives me plenty of time to collect stationary and stuff and be a little bit more prepared - seeing how fast this year has gone, i'll soon be sat here thinking crikey i'm going to uni in a few months.

So hopefully this will be the start of much less stressed Saz xXx

Hello Rock, Hello Hard Place - I am betwix you!!!

*sigh* uni or not uni? put me first or the kids? Defer or plough on ahead? Uni or get a job?

Feel like i need to keep going -  but I dont think its right - anxiety attacks for 96 hours now.

Harry ended up in A&E, poor lamb - very under the weather, I dont think I can do this with them being so young, my head hurts, my hearts pounding, cant think straight :0(

1 exam left to go, last one was utter misery, this one has to be better!

oh blog how I have missed thee

I need to get my arse in gear and start blogging again - mental health slipping not good!

June glorious June!!!!

Well not really

Yesterday the soul was ripped out of my home county, the one place where sheep rustling was the biggest worry, where everyone knows everyone, where you can leave your door unlocked and go to bed. Yesterday for reasons only know to himself a man, decided to end the lives of 12 people, proabably would have been more, if he hadnt have taken his own life. I am so sad and so angry - a senseless waste of life, lives ruined forever and a beautiful place has been tainted forever!! Cumbria has had enough, the floods in Carlisle taking 3 lives, the loss of PC Bill Barker in Workington, the Keswick bus crash last week and now this.

No-one should own a gun unless they need it for work, a taxi driver with a criminal record should not have been allowed to have a sniper rifle and a shot gun. Nothing has been learnt from Dunblaine or Hungerford.

My heart hurts for the people of Cumbria - Love, Light, Strength and Healing for everyone involved, and may the angels and spirits take care of those taken far too soon X

meh

nuff said

Tired, bone achingly tired
Headachey
I just want to cry - so fed up of feeling pressure, just want to run away

*sigh*

I am a Tit, this is not an opinion its a fact!!!!!

Since the age of 12-13, I wanted to be a midwife - it is my absolute dream job, GCSE's not going how I planned, bouts of apathy, lack of direction, life in general and a stunning lack of self confidence meant that I thought it was something I could never achieve.

So after parting with Phoebe - I set about looking at doing something for myself, I really didnt think that I would ever ever be a midwife, so I  looked at the next best thing for me, Radiography - specifically antenatal ultrasound. I am now having a wobble, I have only one chance to go to uni - shouldnt it been for my dream job?? Radiography clinic hours are more family friendly, and that one of the reasons why it appealed to me, so that is why I applied for it. Many people have said to me that they were surprised by my choice as they think I am a born midwife, I dunno - I was putting the kids first, but thats what you do when you are a mum isn't it?

Dont get me wrong, I would be more than happy to study radiographer, I could see out my working days there, but you only get one shot at life dont you?!?!

So here is my dilemma, Do I give up on a offer of a place to study radiography this year, to apply for midwifery next year which has 1000 applicants for approx 12 places??? or to I stay on the track I am on??

I really dont know what to do?

Missing : Fun Saz - reward offered

Yesterday damn near finished me off - ready to jack it all in, college, uni everything.

We had an IEP meeting at Harry's school and all we got was "well he doesnt do that here" "That doesnt sound like him" and" if he is doing that at home there is nothing we can do" I was made to feel like I was lying, got told off about how I approach his homework as well, I am fed up with it all - I have started to doubt myself now, maybe he isnt as bad as I am saying, maybe I just cant cope with him? maybe its a boy thing? The school also think the Paedrition has got it really wrong with her assessment of things - I despair I really do, only at the parents evening his class teacher was saying that she thinks he will need support definately by year 2, yesterday she said nothing of the sort. This morning I felt like filming him so people can see what he is like.

So Shit mother or over dramatic stupid bitch or what? be buggered if I know.

Stew mentioned to me yesterday to try and keep positive and try and be more fun, like I used to be, i'm too young to be old apparently, he suggested doing something crazy with my hair colour like dye it purple or pink or something - Think he is just sick of looking at a grey headed sad sack - his heart is in the right place bless him, he just wants his wife to be happy again, I am all too aware of the effect I have on my family - but I dont know what to do to make it all right again, even my mum told me to enjoy Phoebe more as she is my last - and here I am shoving her into child care while at college, spending lots of time revising or writing, cursing her when I cant because she wants to sit with me, even Harry  said he didnt want me to look after him when he was poorly as i'm always to busy with college work.

I need to do something for myself, but i'm feeling so selfish as I should be here for my kids not fucking off to uni.

ooo oooooo oooooo I know what I am now a self pitying martyr mum - I really need to get a fucking grip!

last night

I spent most of it pondering if there was any quick fixes to my fat arse, I pondered slim fast, metabolism boosters ( mines knackered - underactive thyroid), colonic irrigation and then surgery, what really pisses me off is there are many people bigger than me who are a damn sight more healthy, it really isn't fair *stamps feet*

I am also going to stop making plans as it just frustrates me!! Today was meant to be

• Ironing
• college work
• dinner
• college work
• tea at the outlaws and college work
• kids bath and bed
• college work

What actually Happened was

• Harry up at 5am
• everyone else up just after 8
• make everyone brekkie stuff my own down my neck
• Ironing from 10.00 to 12
• Portaportti sorted
• clothes put away
• Shower
• HYPO!!!!
• lunch
• feel really wiped out and shattered after hypo
• Harry complains of feeling unwell
• doesn't want me to look after him as i am always working and wont play on the wii with him
• agree to play wii
• no college work done what so ever
• tantrums a plenty as harry isn't winning
• I still feel crap 
• start cooking tea
•  tea is ready harry has nodded off

Hours of study lost, just not making anymore plans as they always go out of the window so i'm just going to stop torturing myself!

I really need to blog more

Its all built up again like a big black cloud looming, everything tumbling about, making no sense, not letting me rest, not letting me sleep, making me snappy, shouty, bitchy and very unhappy.

Can not having chocolate make you depressed??? I know it boosts seretonin and i used to eat a fair old whack, so its possible I suppose. I feel horrible at the moment all angry and disjointed, I feel out of control especially in respect to going to uni,.trying to find out information, going from pillar to post banging my head on several walls, I really dont know where I go from here, just wait and see I suppose, but uncertainty is no good for the soul!!

Noise is driving me at the moment, I crave peace and quiet and i'm not getting it, I need to quiet my mind to catch my breath and its just not happening, Phoebe whinging and tantrumming, Harry screaming and crying cos something hasnt quite gone right, and Abbie's incessant wittering, please dont get me wrong - I love my children more than life its self, but they generate so much noise that sometimes I cant think straight. Everything is so jumbled and cluttered, everywhere I look there is something that i needed to do yesterday, but with trying to finsh my lets make cress sexy and interesting project its just not happening I need a 30 hr day or committing one of the two!!

I decided to give up chocolate and boozing in the house PAH!!!! what a dickhead, its been nearly 3 weeks choc free and nearly a week booze free do I feel better? do I feck - I have been watching what I eat as well, lots of water, fruit, veg and cutting back on the snacking and I have I lost weight, erm let me think........... NO!!!! I am bloated and my clothes are tight. I really hate myself at the moment, I am the fattest I have ever been, I *have* to wear jammies at the moment or my thighs rub together, I am disgusting - and again through lack of time/too much to do/ lethergy/ depression - I dont do anything about it, and then I get angry with my self and my cycle of self loathing goes on, and what makes me feel a complete and utter twat, is the fact that there are far more important things going on in the world and in peoples lives and I am wallowing in self pity, I really am quite pathetic and need a slap about the chops with a wet kipper

Blimey, I've not blogged for ages

Just random wibbling is bumbling around my head a hundred at miles a minute - not making any sense what so ever and not giving me any peace, I am so tired too, actually bone weary takes soooooooo much effort to lift my arms, dont like feel like doing anything I just want to sleep

The other poem

'if' by rudyard kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

A reflective day

Today Stew and I attended the funeral of an old work collegue of his, she was tragically killed with her husband in a road accident in the scottish borders. I also know their Daughter Jo, she was amazingly strong today, and for that I admire her, the service was a celebration of Steven and Joan's life and 2 beautiful poems were read out in tribute for them, and I wanted to put them on here mainly so I could look back and read them again as I found them really moving.

The one thing that really struck me today and I feel selfish as this should not be about me is that EVERYONE and I mean everyone who spoke about Joan and Steven today mentioned their appetite for and love of life, the fact that they always found the joy in everything in life even the small things, and I felt ashamed, I have this potential and i'm not living up to it, so my resolve as of today is to live my life more positively and try my very hardest to leave the negatives behind, I need to live a life where I am comfortable and happy.

A Red, Red Rose
Oh my luve is like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June:
Oh my luve is like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.
Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.
And fare thee weel, my only luve!
And fare thee weel a while!
And I will come again, my luve,
Tho' it were ten thousand mile!
Robert Burns

All shook up

(Thank you Mr E Presley)

What a bloody week!!!!

Its been a few days since I blogged, I started typing one the other day and had to delete it, as it was basically what I thought when I first clapped eyes on the kids after they had exited stage left *coughs*Ahem*coughs* and it made me realise how horribly depressed I was during my pregnancy with Harry. I'm feeling a bit more balanced today and a bit braver  - The blog should have read something along the lines of

Abigail Elizabeth @ 10.02 Thursday 5/12/02 - Oh my god! she has a giant purple head I really hope that goes!!
Harry Stewart @18.00 Wednesday 2/2/05 - Get it away from me.
Phoebe Kate @04.40 Tuesday 16/9/08 - Thank f*ck I dont have to do that again!!!!

So i'm not exactly what you call maternal, maybe I am just a bit harsh with it, well maybe i'm not I dunno.

Tuesday was interesting, I was all pumped up with walking to nursery and colleg, but by lunch time the brain deadedness has struck big time , so I managed not to fall asleep in Bio and managed to get Phoebe from Nursery and get us both home, so i wasn't doing too badly!

Wednesday was great until about 2.30 -  Maths I just about coped with and I had a toolkit tutorial with Shelia and I have completed my toolkit folder and have gained 3 credits :0) I decided to head to the learning resource centre as the library is usually full of noisy kids, but nay all the noisy little f*ckers where in the the LRC instead, bumping into you, bashing your chair, and some of the cheeky blighters where trying to guess if i was a man or a woman - talk about hitting a raw nerve, with my stunningly bad self image  in which I think I dont look particulary feminine - this was probably the worse thing I could have heard EVER!!!! my girlieness took another bashing when I broke a chuffing nail putting Pheebz in her wheel at nursery, so now I have 9 lovely polished nails and one raggy crap one! and to add insult to injury, I have hurt my neck and should with my giantic college bag!

I will admit thoughWednesday did pick up a bit - when at 17.00 i got an email from UCAS saying there had been a change in my status and when i checked I have only got an offer to study Radiography!!!!! Gobsmacked wasnt in it, I think I finally stopped shaking just before I went to bed. Even now I still can't quite believe it!

feeling very tired and waffy to be honest and I dont know why - The smell of deep heat is making me feel sick, and its not giving me much relief, but the pain is now going up into my head and down my arm  - I think an early night may be in order!

Fake Saz

Sometimes I am my own worst enemy - I'm not a liar, I do worry about upsetting and offending people, so I keep little bits of me locked away, I'm like MI5 only more mumsy and neurotic. Somedays this doesnt bother me, Others it feels like i'm trapped and I want to be the real me and not give a stuff and let the locked stuff out, and then this little voice says that *dont do that, they wont like you anymore* I would hope that the people I worry about offending would know me well enough to over look it, but I just cant take the chance. If they fell out with me, cest le vie, but its the thought of upsetting them that bothers me.

Will I ever change, I hope so - I think it willl be the only way for me to be comfortable in my own skin and truly be me, and stop having to be secret squirrel in some areas of my life!

The secret diary of Sara Atkin aged 35 and 3/4

(The title for this blog was inspired by Lisa Corney-Hargreaves)


Hoe kay - The daily blogging hasnt quite gone to plan, either lack of time or general blahness seems to have gotten in the way.

Its been a rollercoaster week at Chez Atkin - the car decided it fed up with life as a car and prompt broke, latest report for the garage is it's the head gasket thats gone and repair is estimately at £600.00

Pheebz and me both had a trip to the quacks on Monday, I warned Dr P that Phoebe doesnt like having her chest listened to and she may scream and she goes off like a car alarm, The little mare sat there as good as gold and let him listen, she is currently on Anti b's for a suspected chest infection. My diagnosis is Neurotic (reactive)Depression, There you go folks its official i'm neurotic, but I probably could have told you that any way!! Aparentely its just a class of depression and nothing to worry about, i've upped my happy pills to 2 a day and strangely enought I think they are working already!

Wednesday was a big day for me, I had my interview at UoC for the Radiography course, I think it went well, the interviewer said that I had interviewed will so now we wait and see, I had my nails done in the morning so I felt quite glam, and I had my most comfortable heels on ( not that bloody comfortable tho' as I had blisters on the soles of my feet) The bus station was a bloody long way  away  from St Martins and Busy Bees was a bloody long way away from the bus stop, I did have Lady Gaga on my Ipod, but the heels made me have a weird swishy Laydee walk, Catwalk Saz thats me!!

Harry warry woo has been at the fore front of this week as well - SALT appointment on Monday, he is being reffered for a hearing test and possibly a auditory processing test as well. Thursday we were back to longlands for a review and the upshot is they are going down the Aspergers route with Harry rather than a delay, I also spoke to the SALT again and he has strongly advised that H have support in school as he struggles with comprenhension and that could have a BIG knock on effect on his learning and his his ability to have a conversation - its like pulling teeth some times. I mentioned all this to his teacher at parents evening and she said that its just what she suspected and that she feels that harry will need support in school but maybe when he gets to yr2  - makes  bloody change its usually we feel he doesnt need support, but then again she was in a room with just me and stew and maybe we looked like a pair of hired goons LOL

there is more to say but I need to rescue my rents from the woo so will finish this later

lots to say

but now is not the time, my bed is beckoning and i'm feeling a tad iffy so i'm going to sleep it off! night peeps X

Bringing it home

Having Phoebe really brought home to me how quirky Harry is -  I have tried so hard not to compare any of my loin fruits, but some times it just runs up and smacks you really hard in the face. This morning was one of those times.

Phoebe had put her shoes and her coat on the couch and I asked her to bring them to me, so one by one - shoe, coat, shoe - Pheebz is 18 months old.

Harry brought his coat and shoes through and chucked them on the floor, one shoe on and then he couldnt find the other one, he was twirlling round like a dervish looking for it (think dog chasing tail) it was next to him and I had to point it out to him.

Longlands and Speech and Language assessments, not expecting miracles, but a little bit of sunshine would be nice

Blue is the colour

( thank you Beautiful South)

Due to our house only having a downstairs bathroom and having 2 piddly kids - the decision was taken by me a looooong time ago to buy a portapotti in case of night time piddle emergencies.

Yesterday it was on red  - meaning empty me empty me NOW!!! but with being at college it didnt happen, so it was on thursdays to do list right at the top. So I gets up this morning absolutely busting for a wee - now then russian roulette ........ do I chance making a dash downstairs with full to bursting bladder and risk the envitable if I cough or sneeze (please do your pelvic floors after child birth it will make your  life so much easier!) or to risk that the portaporti is JUST on red and can therefore squeeze another wee in? I SHOULD have taken the dash and sneeze chance as the option I took wasnt brilliant, watching a river of blue chemicals and pee surging across the bedroom carpet is not what you want to see at 7.03am

moral of the story if you dont want to see blue - dont pee on red!!

bloody hope this day gets better!

Equally blessed and cursed

(thank you to catatonia for the title)

I am so blessed for my friends, more so today than ever - Today has been horrid, I have felt utterly utterly lost, and I did something I never do, I cried in public, I cried in Maths, I cried at dinnertime and I cried in toolkit. I'm just so tired and confused over what to do, and 2 seriously hard days and a hefty dose of unconfidence really hasnt helped.

I shouldnt really be blogging I should be getting my arse in gear and doing my maths project but I am really fighting the urge to o to the shop for some wine.

Highlight of the day was the look on the teen chavettes at college when saying bye to Debbie after a heart to heart and having a hug and a *mwah* they looked like they were going to pass out LOL

sunshine and farts

well not really, but blue skies and fresh air - tis all good :0)

implode!! and lightbulb

weeeeellllllll last night didnt quite go as planned. Plan was to invite mum and dad over for a chinese takeaway and then go see Lee Mack. What actually happened was came home with the chinky, the kids insisted on carrying a bag each, which Harry promptly dropped on the floor, didnt think much damage had been done at first until I came to dish up and lids have come off, mum was saying that it doesnt matter and I said it did and Stew told me to Shut up about it, so I shouted at him, in front of my parents and the kids, to fuck off (not my finest moment)and stomped off, all I could think about was the cost of the food and how a nice gesture had been ruined.

So after slamming everything I could find (doors and baby gates) I sat down and cried and then I had my lightbulb moment - MONEY - the way I have been feeling and all my worries come down to money and the lack of.

I have always worked, even after I had Harry I worked admittidely ONLY 11 hours a week but it was work, I had my own money and I was contributing to the family pot - now i'm not, I have my child benefit and my adult learning grant and I am constantly overdrawn, and I am no longer finanically independent and I dont like it - it makes me feel worthless and useless. Stew is bloody fab, if I asked him for money he would give it to me, BUT I dont like asking - he is the sole wage earner and works hard for it, he pays all the bills. I dont see why he should support me as well.

I hate the house we are in - I have never liked it, the house we wanted fell through when we were going to sign for it and in a panic we bought this one, I want to move, even more so now with having Phoebe, we need more room - there is clutter and junk everywhere I look - how can I have a calm mind in an cluttered environment???

I think that is what was behind the drive to go to uni! not to get a career but to get a good job so I can earn good money and then we can move.

Every where I look any solution has a monetary complication - If I defer for a year and work then any of my earnings will be taken in to consideration and then I will get less bursary once I go to uni. If I go out to work, we will get less tax credits and as mercenary as it sounds we rely on them to pay the mortgage - which is why uni is looking a good option, but all my bursary will go on childcare, so then i'm left with trying to pay for books, transport etc. Money truly is the root of all evil.

I want to feel valuable and worthy again - at the moment I feel like a trapped sponger and I dont like it one little bit! I want to be able to buy my kids nice things, take them places without having to go into my overdraft and then be skint again - I wanted to buy Stew the type watch he wanted for his birthday, but I couldnt - I bought the best one I could afford - which he likes - I know I dont have to show him how much I love him with trinkets and stuff but I would like to be able to spoil him once in a while. He did say if i'm going to uni he will buy me a laptop for my birthday, how can a £40.00 watch compare to a £400.00 laptop???

I know this is all about me, and I know I probably sound like a right bitch - I dont think I can face another 3 years of struggling while i'm at uni.

The upside is now I know whats bothering me, i can hopefully start to work on sorting it out.

The evening didnt end all bad, Lee Mack was hilarious and a comedy LEGEND!!!!!!

My name is Sara and i'm mentally ill

There you go, i've just broken the biggest taboo, it is okay to have a visible physical illness but not a mental one. Depression is a horrid illness - one I fear I may never be free of - not even sure how to manage it, I dont know if I need to up my happy pills or if its my diabetes, all I know is i'm not enjoying life at the moment, everything is a hurdle, sometimes the hurdle can look as big as a mountain.

We are going to see Lee Mack tomorrow, Stew bought me the tickets back in July for my birthday, and I wont believe we are going until I step out of the door, I just know my luck someone will start puking tonight and we wont be able to go.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired, I want the noise in my head to stop, I want to feel at ease and at peace with myself, I want the joy back in my life, I want to enjoy every moment. I dont want to be feeling sad, guilty, stress and angry anymore.

I want to be Tigger and not Eeyore

Oh Bugger

Thinking is not good for me AT ALL!!!!!

Originally, and peeps can back me up on this, my absolute dream job was a midwife BUT some where along the line I thought that I would A) never be able to get on the course and B) the hours wouldnt be so child friendly - I thought ante natal ultrasound would be the next best thing.

After spending time in the radiology department - I decided that I would love to do MRI instead as it absolutely blew me away. I have been rather flumoxxed over whether uni is for me, to defer a year or wait a while longer till Pheebster start schools. Now I am wondering if I am going to go to uni I need to go and do something that I would absolutely truly love.

Can someone please tell my brain to stop thinking! its driving me crazy :0(

Time slips away

GRRRRRRRRR its been a week since my last blog - I think I need more hours in the day and more days in the week.

Not much to report really - I am still tying myself up in knots over what the future holds and my lack of control over it, I've had a good chat with Stew and i've recieved loads of good sound advice from peeps, but I still dont know what to do. I need to stop, breathe and go back to basics, everything is whizzing round my head at a hundred miles a mile and nothing is making sense. I need to chill and take time for myself, but where and how???? I know the answer doesnt lie in a chocolate bar or a glass of wine so why am I taking solace in them??? I just end up putting more weight on and get more self loathing - tis a vicious circle and one I would quite like to break!

TGI Friday???

nope, bad bad day - mucho shouting, and i've cried, eated far too much and had some wine.

Had a good chat with a lovely lady, so from now on i'm timing myself out instead of timing out Harry!

sorry its a short and sweet blog, but i'm a bit waffy from the crumpets (not the wine, never blame the wine!!!)

oooops missed one

will have to double blog today to make up for the lack of bloggage yesterday.

Yesterday, what did I do yesterday????? basically shouted, school run, town, shops, library, home, baked, shouted, school run, reassured panicky child, shouted, got cooked for, came home, shouted, shower and wine.

Thats Thursday in a nutshell!!

have I blogged today???

Erm, perhaps not.

3 hours of maths today angles and protractors ahoy!!!! got the dates for exams too!
Biology 8/6/10 pm
Physiology 11/6/10 pm
Maths 14/6/10 am

eeeep!!!!!!!

not much to report, still full of snot - and now Pheebz is barking too!! LOL Harry had a bad dream last night apparently I hoovered up Phoebe Kate, shows just how much the boy knows me I rarely hoover LOL

I cant think of a title *scratches head*

Feeling very down and blue at the moment, man flu and hormones aren't helping :0(

Nothing in particular really just having an eeyore day, musing a lot too and thats never good - pondering a lot about Harry really, he brought a flyer home from school about the local scout troop which he could join later in the year. I got to thinking with his quirkiness would he be able to??? I think a lot of it is me, trying to protect him from any potential trouble, but am I causing more problems? Abbie started Rainbows at 5 and I never gave it a second thought, but Harry I just cant let him go. I need people to understand him, some family members are only taking it seriously now he has been seen at the child developement centre, if I could go everywhere with him and just tell people he isnt a bad lad he has a suspected ASD I would - but if I do that will that stop him having a relatively normal life? will people treat him differently if I point out his quirks or will I help him?

I love him sooooo much, but some days I could playfully strangle him, I think I need to get my head round it, I think I expect too much of him, but how do I stop myself expecting too much of him?

snotter and compliments

I'm plagued with man flu :0( I have one functioning nostril and the other alternates between pouring and bunged, blurgh why couldnt I have been ill last week?? but then again I wouldn't have got so much essay done.

AAARRGGGGHHHHHHH Pheebz has set all the chuffing hamsters off, there is beeping, mooing and crowing all over the living room!!!

I have to be complimentary about myself, I need to write some positive notes about me for my up and coming interview, mucho head scratching me thinks!!!!!!

Ted Drummond

An amazing little man with an amazing family

Many thanks to his mum Sarah for allowing me to share the link :0)

How did that happen????

Another studying in a caff day today, another busy day in Abigails social calander so rather than trailing about the books came with. Got a free brew as the woman forgot to do my toasted teacake ( how very dare she!!!) got a fair bit done was hovering round the 581 word mark on friday and after typing up when I got home its risen to 1228 *does a jig of joy!!!* I have got a 10% leeway on my essay so could have another 1000 to do eeeep!!!

Was talking to Jacob S's Mum and Nana while waiting for the party to finish, and we were talking about what I want to study and whether or not to do now or do later, Jacob's Nana asked me how old I was and I replied 36 in July, and I had a bit of an out of body experience 36!!!!!!!!! when did I get to that age? Ive always been a bit of an old head on young shoulders and some where along the line, the head has started to regress!! its like the curious case of Saz Button. I can remember 18 years ago when I was 18 thinking people who were in their 30's might as well have one foot in the grave as they were soooooooooooooooooo old! and a blink of an eye later, 18 yr olds think i'm soooooooooooooo old tis most bizarre.

Anyhoo best go polish my zimmer for the school run tomorrow ;0)

oooo wanted to share this with you all, tis my fave song at the moment

Poised for action blog

H has a temperature, sore tummy and didnt finish his pringles, whats the betting he pukes at some point this evening! ( i think the yummies have nobbled us!!!)

A quiet day today, had my eyebrows ripped off my face, a fair chunk of essay written, let Stew have a lie in, still excited that I spoke to Debs :0)

feeling fat and blah today, have tonnes to do and no steam to do it with!

still loving the quote i posted on the blog earlier, I think its very apt and true :0)

Quote of the day

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

Slummy is edumacating :0)

Tonight Matthew I am going to be ...................................

self medicating with wine and toffifee :0(

Not a happy blog today peeps - more disharmony from Harry this morning, and surprise suprise its been the same argument again, yes you can get in bed with us, NO you cant bring your toy box with you!, this more he kicked off as Stew was facing him and having the audacity to breathe in H's general direction!

So due to general grumpyness, the sort even a bacon buttie can fix! I decided to take H out of the equation ( I didnt put a contract out on him or anything!) killing 2 birds with one stone ( I have no psychopathic tendencies honest gov!) I thought I would get some work done with out the distraction of being in the house and my growing facebook/twitter obsession. So leaving Grumpy Stew to go fora walk, a paper and a bit of fresh air with snotty Pheebz, I decided to brave The Zone again - so rucksack packed and 2 sprogs in tow, we set off.

Travelling towards Kellet, we passed the Televison transmitter - cue my darling Abigail asking me if telly's were invented when I was little ( just how old does the little bag think i am!!) I explained that yes there was but Grandad Peter didnt have a telly when he was little, he used to listen to the radio and go to the cinema. the 1950's getting mixed up with the 1970's yep, i can cope with that ( as much as I love Ab's she REALLY doesnt know when to shhhhhh). Mummmmmmieeeeeeeeee, Yes Abbie, Where hospitals clean or dirty when you where little? cos Florence nightingale made sure they were all cleaned and she died when she was 90 in 1870 - GEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZ Abbie make your mum feel young and spritely why dontcha!!!!

On arrival at the zone it appearred to be fairly yummy free, it was however crammed with biddys, again no seat, so I plonked myself on a bench, ordered a current teacake and a pot of tea and set about researching and writing the essay which is rapidly becoming the millstone round my neck! There must be a paradox somewhere that states that at a soft play emporium biddys and yummy's can not co-exist in the same time and space as once the biddys left the yummys flooded in. I managed to bag a table inbetween the mass migrations so it was all good.

I thought with it being the last day of the hellidays - I would treat the kids to a McD's and all was well there too.

Once we got home, and the McD's was duly scoffed, the horns sprouted and screaming, fighting and trashing started, so we exited the house and all was calm till we got to my mums and it all started again, I have never had to shout and threaten as much in my life :0(

Stew and I are shattered, I know they say that special kids get special parents, but why cant the special parents get a manual?? not a step by step instruction manual but a few hints here and there wouldnt go amiss

Lent, Chocolate, Blogs and Bingo

Okay so I caved, plan was to give up the brown stuff for the 40 days of lent, ummmmmm after the day I had yesterday, not only did I self medicate with blossom hill, I *may* have partaken in the imbibing of kit kats and timeouts oooops! so I thought rather than give up, I would take up - so here is my blog for lent.

This morning appeared to follow on from yesterday, I woke in the early hours with my mp3 player in my back and the ear phones around my neck!! - so much for Paul McKenna trying to relax me, I think the sod is trying to kill me off!! Tots was up brighten and early and she woke up the woo, got her settle in our bed, she nods back off and 30 mins later after a coughing fit my darling little cherubic sprog threw up in my bed - I changed all the beds yesterday and its usually par for the course in chez Atkin that Clean beds = gross bodily fluids - ICK!!!!!!

Went to bingolie with mum this afters, its great for people watching - there was a gaggle of Carers and their elderly charges in there this afternoon and they were hilarious, deaf as posts and stunningly loud..... EH??? WHAT DID HE SAY??????? shhhhhhhhhh!!! WHAT????? shhhhhhhhhh!!!

we got to the big money full houses and the 2 lines had just gone, 3 numbers in little old lady... FULL HOUSE????? and we have a claim!!! NOOOOOOOOOO shouts the carers - okay false call next number LOL

Old biddies are good bingo fun, you should try it :0)

Watch out yummies, slummy mummy coming through

GGGRRRRRRRR Biatches in Boden* (*disclaimer not all peeps who wear boden are biatches)

What a throughly fucking miserable day! plan was to have a lovely family day together - time table was, get up, leisurely breakfast, head out of the house at 10.30 go to the zone at greenlands and then into lancaster and go to the China all you can eat buffet for lunch ( they do all sorts inc chips so we can eat together as a family)

I should have known as soon as i opened my eyes this morning it would be stressful

06.40 - Pheebz is up shouting, so put her in bed with us

07.10 - Harry wakes up, and brings half his bedroom into ours with the plan of getting on bed with it and us, gently explain that there is too much stuff so he cant have his magnetic alphabet letters in as they will get everywhere and pheebz might swallow them - Harry does not recieve mummies polite request very well!

07.13 the mother of all kick offs, screaming, shouting, tears, snot goes running out of our bedroom, back into his and proceeds to bang stuff about and shout and scream at Abbie to wake up so he can tell her about the great diservice his mean mother has befallen him.

07.14 Mean mother has to raise the volume level and politely asks him not to wake Abigail up, more scream how he doesnt like me, he only likes daddy and he only wants daddy to go down stairs with him.

07.15 I retire back to bed, can hear the sound of Harry being grumpy down stairs.

07.50 Abbie is up and about so Stew and Pheebz get up, I opt to listen to my Paul Mckenna instant calm self hypnosis CD

08.20 I get out of bed and morning rountine begins.

11.00 finally get out of the house and on the way to the zone.

The zone was packed - thought it might be with it being half term, found a table but with no seat, the gaggle of yummies on the next table had plenty of seats ( but with their coats and stuff on and NO visable children) asked if anyone was sitting there and got the glare, the tut and the withering "actually yes!" - tell you what if some one needs a sit that my child might want to sit of for about 10 secs, the grown up gets the seat and your kid sits on your knee, or would that crumple the boden????

Managed to pinch one seat, so Stew and sleepy Pheebz could sit down - she then sprang into life and off she went with Stew in hot pursuit so I parks me arse and starts making notes about the Ferking essay I am currently torturing myself with. Boden Bi-atches are glaring - I am valiantly ignoring them.

Stew and tiny comes back and I am duely dispatched to the counter for refreshements ( after mucho nagging from thing one and thing two). En route I bumped into a lovely lady called Gillian who attends the surestart AOK group- for kids with additional needs, so we are putting the worlds to rights, and comparing notes on our kids and how we deal with it (me lots of wine). Next thing a large older lady from a different gaggle of yummies comes marching up and snottily asks if I am the owner of the boy in the green top, and am I aware that he has crashed the party that is taking place!! so I go and remove the offending boy in the green top and make my apologies - the yummies are making noise that H has eaten a lot of the food WHAT THE FUCK, he eats nowt!!!!! when I ejected him he had a slice if apple in his hand - he might have pinched some crisps, but unless the party fayre was microwave chips, beef hula hoops, chicken fingers or lemon curd sandwiches I doubt he ate much at all!!! all the while this is going on, large older lady is wittering at Gillian, who great lady that she is, just turned round and said - Actually Harry has Special Needs - he is not being horrid, to which LOL scuttled off.

Slummy mummy is feeling a wee bit outnumbered by all the yummies and biting her tongue very hard, slummy daddy who has a hide like a rhino, cant understand why slummy mummy is getting so het up, Slummy mummy is very relieved when the 2 gaggles of yummies feck off and its time for us to go - but I made a new friend and have duely added Gillian on facebook and I managed to jot some ideas down for my essay and the kids saw a few goats.

13.00 The Atkins hit town - and head for the all you can eat emporium called China. unfortunately the soft play hasnt tired Har out if anything its hyped him up. Cue a paddy as we had to wait a couple of minutes to be seated. Cue once seated tear-arsing up and down and generally being Harry. I played a blinder getting Pheebz out of the pushchair and taking her coat off, thumb nail met flesh and boy oh boy did she howl, whipped her around to see that I had grazed her just under her eye, bloody lucky it wasnt any higher :0( a few more meltdowns from Har, mainly over ice cream and we finally finish lunch and head off for a spot of shopping. Harry wants a chocolate cookie, Slummy mummy and slummy daddy explain that he will be rewarded with said cookie IF he behaves in the shops ( bet yummies dont have to bribe their kids), the bribe works and we had a fairly uneventful shopping trip all in all.

Popped to the so near so on the way home to stock up on slummy essentials ( bread, milk, and wine), and set about changing all the bedding while the rest are playing on the Wii - cue not a happy harry as slummy put Bob the Builder duvet on and not Thomas ( bad slummy!!!! BAD slummy!!!!! - Slummy cant win, if Thomas had been on there he would have wanted BTB!) and i'm not sure what Har was doing but Slummy Daddy wasn't half laying down the law very loudly!! ( I had my ipod on and I could hear him!!!)

So now its 19.45, Pheebz is snoring on the couch, Harry is in bed watching the magic key and Abbie has just headed up too, SO now i've finally managed to finish this blog ( I started it an hour ago!) I am going back to my lipid metabolism essay and i'm going to have some wine and crumpets as I have STOOPIDLY given up chocolate for lent.

And I leave you with this pondering as its been bugging me all day - why do people see parenting as a competition??? we are all bumbling along trying to raise our kids with out dropping them, misplacing them, or damaging them too much, surely mummies should stick together?? and not take sides, but if I have to....................................... I am an out and proud Slummy mummy!! I feed my kids Maccie-D's, I drink while they are awake, I pinch their chocolate under the pretence of saving them from obesity and diabetes, and occasionally swear in front of them, I dont always coddle for minor bumps and sprains, I might not be brilliant at mumming, but I know my kids love me ( although I think they are trying to get me committed). I try really really hard not to judge others as there for the grace of God go I, but please dont ask me to stop muttering under my breath about the yummy boden brigade - I need to have some small pleasures in life !!!